I remember when I moved back from Houston– I was sitting in my mom’s front room with my Grandma and Mom. The feeling I had was just amazing warmth and love. It was a feeling I could not describe but I though to myself take this in, how wonderful the feeling of being home.
Now that cushion is gone – the people that loved me the most in the world unconditionally have passed into another life. That is why I feel lost – and it is so much colder here then before.
I don’t have the wisdom of my dad’s words, the adoring eyes of my Grandma or the loving arms of my mom. If I could even just have the essence of my life before they left – I would be the happiest woman in the world.
I don’t know why I cannot feel them – perhaps the pain is too great for them to really come through. OR perhaps I am just not listening in the quiet times for their whispers…
I am trying so hard to live my life and find my new center. Wobbly and off balance it seems so hard. It is like a new born – that comes into the world and has to learn how to navigate this strange new place. I now have to create a different life – I was dragged kicking and screaming but the reality is stark – I have no choice….
My dad wanted me to be buried with him in St. Johns,Arizona – he expressed this desire before he died. I don’t know where I will be buried, I am thinking I should be cremated and my ashes sprinkled on all of my loved ones graves – showing solidarity and the love I hold for each and every one of them…
I was going through my journal – I believe I was prompted to go directly to this entry – I needed to read this today.
At the time I wrote this I was searching for something to comfort me or to give me a sense of peace. I told my brother how sad and lonely I felt, he said to me, “Why don’t you write mom and dad, they will reply” so that is what I did.
I must tell you – I have no doubt they did speak to me, I am thankful I wrote it down. –
Here is the entry.
I miss you so much and wish I could just hug you and hear your voice even if it is just one more time.
I am right here beside you and will always be with you even if you do not see me in the physical – I will always protect you and be part of your life.
It will not be long until we are reunited and until then I want you to live a joyous and happy life. No more crying – we will be reunited in the blink of an eye. I am no longer in pain or sick and free from being limited in my mobility – it makes me sad to see you upset. I love you and want you to live a full life with no regrets…
Mom – do you see dad?
Yes, reuniting with everyone was such a joy – to see Wendy, grandpa, grandma and Grayson he is such a handsome and loving soul… And my mom how amazing it was to be in her arms again. Not to mention your dad wheeling and dealing all over the place …
I am so proud of my family – please say a special prayer for Colleen every night I want her to feel my comfort and for her to know that I am with her also. You brother and I are still in contact everyday – we talk quite often…
He is the best son any mother could have… Give him a hug for me.
Crystal – needs your prayers most of all.
I have had so much clarity on what I should do – new projects and plans I believe you are the guiding force behind those. But I have no energy and miss you so much…
My little baby girl, yes your old daddy is right there feeding you idea’s so don’t think you are off the hook. I am going to bug the hell out of you every day. Remember when an idea hits you and is clarified it is me, we will still make our first million – as I have always said “you are the one that is most like me”. Together we will go far – I am behind you pushing. And yes I like the idea of you getting my blog off the ground and donating to AA will be an honor to me.
Thank you – and tell Amber I love her.
A little background: My mom and dad had been divorced for many years – but they did stay in touch and had a love for one another. Every time my dad talked to my mom on the phone he would tell her he loved her. They died only 4 months apart.
My dad had written a blog before he died – it is something that I had told him I would help him edit and publish. He was a recovering alcoholic – and had been sober for 20 yrs. When he died I decided to edit and make sure his blog was published and made into a book.
I need to do that.
His blog is not for the faint of heart! He was irreverent, politically incorrect, and had an unusual sense of humor – I love him so…
If you have lost love ones try this exercise – it will allow your loved ones to come through and talk to you…
You may think I am a little crazy but try it. You will see that I am right