Sometime I feel so mundane – like going through life and trying not to feel the pain. Never who I use to be, and I don’t know if she will come back again.
No more innocent belief or joyous laughter – I look at my husband and think about how his life was so full and rich now he is towards the end, and it is devastating…
But there are little things that make me smile like when he is happy and just chattering 
away in his own language but still happy…
Unless you have been through this, you really don’t understand how days are like roller coaster, and your emotions change from hour to hour. Thinking about the past and being afraid to think about the future you cannot imagine life without him, and you feel guilty even thinking about it. I know my husband doesn’t want to live this way that is the reality, but I am selfish because I just want to kiss his face and have him smile at me forever –
And I do have a lot of blessings the people that help me care for him are like family now and the help they give us is priceless.
I was at the point where I was trying to find a support group, so I knew I wasn’t crazy – then my sister brought over a kindred spirit who was losing their spouse to a terminal illness and just talking and communicating has been such a blessing.
So instead of crying I should be rejoicing in the wonderful friendships I am building and the amazing life my husband has lived…
