I remember when I moved back from Houston– I was sitting in my mom’s front room with my Grandma and Mom. The feeling I had was just fantastic warmth and love. It was a feeling I could not describe, but I thought to myself, take this in, how wonderful the feeling of being home.
Now that is gone, the people who loved me unconditionally have passed into another life. That is why I feel lost – and it is so much colder here than before.
I don’t have the wisdom of my dad’s words, the adoring eyes of my Grandma, or the loving arms of my mom. If I could even have the essence of my life before they left – I would be the happiest woman in the world.
I don’t know why I cannot feel them – perhaps the pain is too great for them to come through. OR maybe I am just not listening in the quiet times for their whispers…
I am trying so hard to live my life and find my new center. Wobbly and off-balance, it seems so hard. I am like a newborn having to learn how to navigate this strange new place. I now have to create a different life – I have been dragged kicking and screaming, but the reality is stark – I have no choice.
My dad wanted me to be buried with him in St. Johns, Arizona – he expressed this desire before he died. I don’t know where I will be buried; I think I should be cremated, and my ashes sprinkled on all of my loved ones graves – showing solidarity and the love I hold for each one of them
