In Shock

I was in shock  like a zombie I walked around not even knowing what to do. My mind couldn’t comprehend the loss.

As you can probably tell I am writing this more than a month after this occurred because I couldn’t write anything without breaking down.

The days leading to his funeral were tense, and I was in a fog. All his siblings were out of town for the Thanksgiving Holiday, and I ended up telling them over the phone. As I told each one, you could tell the breath was knocked out of them, they were speechless. No matter how prepared you think you are it still hits you in the gut.Shock

Samina (my husbands daughter) was at my house more than not and we mourned together. She kept telling me again and again she didn’t want to lose me. She loved me and always wanted me in their lives – ditto I told her.

Because I have never really been to a Catholic funeral, I was confused, but I soon found out how to navigate some of the waters. We had the viewing in the cathedral right before the Mass then after the mass we were to have about 30 minutes for music and a few words about my husband.

I wanted two people to talk a good friend and his nephew. Since it was a time crunch, I didn’t think I could have anyone else.

It was a week before the funeral so everyone could fly in. During that time, I was able to get a reference for the burial and went with them. I bought a beautiful casket, put red roses on top of the casket his favorite flower.

I had my brother go and make sure my husband look natural in the coffin – he ended up having the make changed so I am glad I had him go over.

Rough week – lots of breakdowns I was in shock and still am to some degree.

My family were the best, they did not let me be alone for three weeks. My daughter stayed with me for two weeks, my son for three days and my brother in-between.

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That Morning Felt More Like the End of my Life

That morning felt more like the end of my life, and in a way it was, because I will never be the same again.

The morning my husband passed I wanted to inform his kids. However, I didn’t want to tell his daughter over the phone. So I made contact with my daughter-in-law who I asked to tell her husband. I wanted to have them go over to Semina’s and tell her in person.

By now the people at my home were; my daughter, son, brother.  I was in shock but so comforted to have them there. When 2 of his sons and daughter showed up his daughter Mourningwas devastated. His oldest son who had not been there at all only seeing him two time this year decided not to come and called me to tell me so. I told Cecil about a week before his father died that his father needed to see him; he did come with some prodding from my husband’s brother.

I knew that was the reason my husband was not at peace to let go, he wanted to see his adult children. He loved his kids and wished he had a stronger relationship with them, but that is another story.

My step daughter was just sobbing with grief, and I held her. Somehow when someone else is hurting I have to be the strong one.

When the mortuary came to get him, I made sure the blue blanket  was over him. As they rolled him out I started crying and saying I cannot do this, I just cannot do this, I just felt hysterical. My daughter was trying to comfort me then little Noah started sobbing.

Here I was falling apart – I kiss my husband as they took him out the door, he was so cold.

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My Husband and Sweetheart are Now at Rest

I Have Fought a Good Fight.
I Have Finished My Race.
I Have Kept My Faith.
                           2 Timothy 4:7

This is gut wrenching to write, and as I sit here my heart is in my throat.

The last days of his life were really painful. My husband and sweetheart are now at rest, and I don’t know how to handle it.

My husband had gotten so thin choking on water and not wanting to eat. When I would try  to feed him the yogurt would just sit on his tongue. The last shower he took he couldn’t sit on the shower chair, and I knew that was it.

I kissed him as much as possible touching his face and holding his hands. The time was near. I called my daughter and ask “can you please come I don’t know if he will makes it through the night”. That was Thanksgiving day his breath was labored. He made it through My husband now at rest.the night. When Cynthia came to bath him; she knew it may be the last time. So did I…

I feel like I can’t breathe, writing this is so painful, and I cannot stop crying…

Friday night my son, brother and daughter were all here 2 of my grandchildren as well Noah and Auna. We  all gathered around his bed telling him how much we loved him, and how much we would miss him. At 1 in the morning everyone decided it was time for bed. We decided that Noah and Auna would sleep in bed with me, and Amber elected to sleep on the couch.

About 4 in the morning, Auna started coughing and she kept coughing. My daughter came into my room to see what was going on she decided to check on my husband as well. She turned on the lamp and wiped his eyes. She tried to check  his pulse  with the pulsometer. No pulse it wouldn’t read – she woke me up.  We frantically tried to get it to work I even found new batteries no pulse.

He was fluttering his eyelids – and seemed to want to say something.

My daughter sat by him and told him a beautiful poem that came from her heart. He needed to go towards the light his parents were waiting and his pain would be gone. She promised him that she, and my son would look after me to make sure I was OK he didn’t have to worry (it was much more beautiful than this, but you get the picture).

As I was standing over him, he opened his eyes with as much energy as he could muster. His eyes were clear  I leaned over hugged him and whispered in his ear I love you – he said in a quiet but understandable way “I love you.”

“Then he was gone”

He hadn’t been able to talk in days their was some divine intervention that happened that night – it wasn’t a coincidence that Auna started coughing.

I was with him as he transcended – and  able to hear his sweet words.  My daughter was there to comfort me…

Thank You God…

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