Devastation Cannot be Overstated

The devastation I felt at the funeral cannot be overstated. This hit below the belt, and I felt I was minimized.

The 26 years we spent together and the last few years of his sickness were erased in an instant… I was nothing

My family and daughter were there (of course),  and this is what my daughter posted in social media that day.

What Is Love?

devastation to Love

Love is standing by someone even when it isn’t easy. It’s loving them even when it’s difficult. Love is constant and requires sacrifice and loyalty. Love stays through health and sickness. It remains when it’s inconvenient. Love is soiled laundry, doctors’ visits and spoon feedings. Love looks like tendons being torn from catching your loved one; watching them decline and choosing to lift them with courage instead of giving into fear; letting go of a career to care for them. Love is watching your loved ones last breaths, holding their face and telling them “it’s okay, I’m here and I love you.” Comforting them until the end, only collapsing in grief once they had gone.

Mom, you have shown me what love looks like throughout your marriage and most strongly these last 5 years. Only those that have not seen it would not acknowledge it. I’m sorry you have to go on without your sweetheart. Please know that he loves you so much and we love you too. We will be right here to help you through it.

Thank you Amber you are such an amazing daughter, an amazing mother, and an amazing person.

I Love You


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The Funeral

The funeral was held in a large beautiful cathedral

My husband looked like he was sleeping we had a poster of his smiling face by the casket a request from his brother, and it looked so good.

As people filed in I was amazed at the amount of my family that came 90-year-old uncle. One of my uncles who is 86 actually drove three hours – touched my heart. Family I hadn’t seen in years my family and friends filled up all 12 rows.

There wasn’t a seat that wasn’t filled with people who loved and admired him. I am sure he was smiling.

His daughter sat by me his family sat in the middle. The Mass was beautiful it was personal my husband knew the priest 35 years.  Father Norman also taught my husband’s The Funeralchildren when he put them through a private Catholic school…

I ask two people to talk; I was told that the funeral could only go 30 minutes after the mass. I ask his nephew and a good friend to say the eulogy. Everything went smoothly and his two sons and nephew did a beautiful musical presentation for him.

Then the talks began suddenly other people wanted to speak and they just walked up to the podium. The last talk was requested by Cecil my husband’s oldest son. His mother was their she was the Bain of my husband’s existence. Vindictive, cruel, and judgmental are just a few adjectives that describes the ex-wife.

The talk was more targeted toward Cecil’s mother. How his mom helped his dad, and they both worked many hours. Praising Sheila – and from what Francis told me a lot of the talks were falsehood after all Cecil was only a baby when they left Pakistan.

I then realized that I was not even mentioned in the eulogy at all – it didn’t bother me until his son got up and talked about his mom. It was like his mom was still married to his dad because there was no mention whatsoever of our relationship. I felt invisible and like I was not even part of his family.

The tears flowed over the loss of my husband and our life

I was tearful for a longtime over that, I didn’t need accolades or a pat upon the back all I wanted was a mention, of how much we loved each other. How we fought together and how I would miss him so until we meet again.

It was like the 26 years we spent together didn’t exist. I am tearful about that even now. I did make a mistake. I should have had someone from my side of the family talk.  I was totally blindsided.

I just have to accept it and move on – what else can I do?

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In Shock

I was in shock  like a zombie I walked around not even knowing what to do. My mind couldn’t comprehend the loss.

As you can probably tell I am writing this more than a month after this occurred because I couldn’t write anything without breaking down.

The days leading to his funeral were tense, and I was in a fog. All his siblings were out of town for the Thanksgiving Holiday, and I ended up telling them over the phone. As I told each one, you could tell the breath was knocked out of them, they were speechless. No matter how prepared you think you are it still hits you in the gut.Shock

Samina (my husbands daughter) was at my house more than not and we mourned together. She kept telling me again and again she didn’t want to lose me. She loved me and always wanted me in their lives – ditto I told her.

Because I have never really been to a Catholic funeral, I was confused, but I soon found out how to navigate some of the waters. We had the viewing in the cathedral right before the Mass then after the mass we were to have about 30 minutes for music and a few words about my husband.

I wanted two people to talk a good friend and his nephew. Since it was a time crunch, I didn’t think I could have anyone else.

It was a week before the funeral so everyone could fly in. During that time, I was able to get a reference for the burial and went with them. I bought a beautiful casket, put red roses on top of the casket his favorite flower.

I had my brother go and make sure my husband look natural in the coffin – he ended up having the make changed so I am glad I had him go over.

Rough week – lots of breakdowns I was in shock and still am to some degree.

My family were the best, they did not let me be alone for three weeks. My daughter stayed with me for two weeks, my son for three days and my brother in-between.

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