Grief Does it Ever Get Better

Grief how do I deal with the pain…

It has been almost five months since my sweetheart transcended, and it seems that some days are harder than ever. The hollow feeling I have when I realize I am in this alone – and the sadness.

I recently bought new kitchen appliances. The others were over 18 years old and my dishwasher had hit the dust. The old appliances were originally bought for the house.

Unexpectedly emotional as I replaced the old appliances. Suddenly that night I felt that my husband was being stripped from me piece by piece. Instead of being excited to have them, I cried. What a strange reaction – but the pain I felt over that was overwhelming.

Little things like going to the grocery store have been really hard. I am starting to be OK Dealing with Griefwith it but seeing the items I bought for him just reminded me he was gone.

I have been angry, and I want to scream; I do not want to go through this. I think about our conversations before he was so sick. I wish I could just talk to him now to help with closure – is he OK – is he saving a place for me –does he come and visit me when I am unaware…

Some night I honestly feel he is in bed next to me. That small sliver in-between being awake and asleep I feel movement, and it is like my husband is by my side. I also thought he was in the bathroom and started talking to him while being in bed. Yesterday I was sitting on his lift chair and dosed off – I thought he came across the room via the front door.

Maybe he is there comforting me, and I am so thankful for that.

My daughter had a dream where my husband walked around the corner healthy and happy. She walked over to him and gave him a big hug. He embraced me whispering something in my ear. My crazy sister was there, and he started teasing her about her boyfriends. As my mom sat in the background (as you know, she has passed).

 Was this my mom ushering him, so he could pass on a message to me?

I am still unbalanced and spacey sometime sitting there on the couch or kitchen chair just staring into space and lost. This can last long periods of time – I keep telling myself to get up and do…, but I still sit there in silence.

I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

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Devastation Cannot be Overstated

The devastation I felt at the funeral cannot be overstated. This hit below the belt, and I felt I was minimized.

The 26 years we spent together and the last few years of his sickness were erased in an instant… I was nothing

My family and daughter were there (of course),  and this is what my daughter posted in social media that day.

What Is Love?

devastation to Love

Love is standing by someone even when it isn’t easy. It’s loving them even when it’s difficult. Love is constant and requires sacrifice and loyalty. Love stays through health and sickness. It remains when it’s inconvenient. Love is soiled laundry, doctors’ visits and spoon feedings. Love looks like tendons being torn from catching your loved one; watching them decline and choosing to lift them with courage instead of giving into fear; letting go of a career to care for them. Love is watching your loved ones last breaths, holding their face and telling them “it’s okay, I’m here and I love you.” Comforting them until the end, only collapsing in grief once they had gone.

Mom, you have shown me what love looks like throughout your marriage and most strongly these last 5 years. Only those that have not seen it would not acknowledge it. I’m sorry you have to go on without your sweetheart. Please know that he loves you so much and we love you too. We will be right here to help you through it.

Thank you Amber you are such an amazing daughter, an amazing mother, and an amazing person.

I Love You

 

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The Funeral

The funeral was held in a large beautiful cathedral

My husband looked like he was sleeping we had a poster of his smiling face by the casket a request from his brother, and it looked so good.

As people filed in I was amazed at the amount of my family that came 90-year-old uncle. One of my uncles who is 86 actually drove three hours – touched my heart. Family I hadn’t seen in years my family and friends filled up all 12 rows.

There wasn’t a seat that wasn’t filled with people who loved and admired him. I am sure he was smiling.

His daughter sat by me his family sat in the middle. The Mass was beautiful it was personal my husband knew the priest 35 years.  Father Norman also taught my husband’s The Funeralchildren when he put them through a private Catholic school…

I ask two people to talk; I was told that the funeral could only go 30 minutes after the mass. I ask his nephew and a good friend to say the eulogy. Everything went smoothly and his two sons and nephew did a beautiful musical presentation for him.

Then the talks began suddenly other people wanted to speak and they just walked up to the podium. The last talk was requested by Cecil my husband’s oldest son. His mother was their she was the Bain of my husband’s existence. Vindictive, cruel, and judgmental are just a few adjectives that describes the ex-wife.

The talk was more targeted toward Cecil’s mother. How his mom helped his dad, and they both worked many hours. Praising Sheila – and from what Francis told me a lot of the talks were falsehood after all Cecil was only a baby when they left Pakistan.

I then realized that I was not even mentioned in the eulogy at all – it didn’t bother me until his son got up and talked about his mom. It was like his mom was still married to his dad because there was no mention whatsoever of our relationship. I felt invisible and like I was not even part of his family.

The tears flowed over the loss of my husband and our life

I was tearful for a longtime over that, I didn’t need accolades or a pat upon the back all I wanted was a mention, of how much we loved each other. How we fought together and how I would miss him so until we meet again.

It was like the 26 years we spent together didn’t exist. I am tearful about that even now. I did make a mistake. I should have had someone from my side of the family talk.  I was totally blindsided.

I just have to accept it and move on – what else can I do?

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