Facing life on life’s Terms is not Easy.
My dad was an alcoholic for many years, the last 25 – 30 years of his life he was able to turn his life around by facing truths and moving through them.
Something I have yet to master.
I have discovered I have a way of looking through life and coping by not facing the truth. I have been told before “don’t be an Ostrich”. I know I can be that way when having to deal with things I don’t want to. I pretend that they will fix themselves (they never do). I go kicking and screaming (in my head) to get them done, things like taking over the rental properties we have.
But this is somehow different; I feel like if my husband is acting semi normal he is going to stay that way. Yesterday he was really off – when he got up in the morning, he was ready to go to the airport. I had to call his sister to come and stay with him for the day.
I suddenly had this overwhelming panic, a realization my life will never be the same. Not just intellectually knowing the truth and dealing with it, but a devastating feeling in my gut almost unbearable.
I have been walking around in a numb state – in disarray not planning for what may come in the future but doing what I can barely hanging on and knowing I have to face the raw truth.
I don’t think I have totally coped with anything in my life – that is how I am feeling. I just want to fall in a heap and disappear… Crumble to the ground.
