Grief how do I deal with the pain…
It has been almost five months since my sweetheart transcended, and it seems that some days are harder than ever. The hollow feeling I have when I realize I am in this alone – and the sadness.
I recently bought new kitchen appliances. The others were over 18 years old and my dishwasher had hit the dust. The old appliances were originally bought for the house.
Unexpectedly emotional as I replaced the old appliances. Suddenly that night I felt that my husband was being stripped from me piece by piece. Instead of being excited to have them, I cried. What a strange reaction – but the pain I felt over that was overwhelming.
Little things like going to the grocery store have been really hard. I am starting to be OK 
with it but seeing the items I bought for him just reminded me he was gone.
I have been angry, and I want to scream; I do not want to go through this. I think about our conversations before he was so sick. I wish I could just talk to him now to help with closure – is he OK – is he saving a place for me –does he come and visit me when I am unaware…
Some night I honestly feel he is in bed next to me. That small sliver in-between being awake and asleep I feel movement, and it is like my husband is by my side. I also thought he was in the bathroom and started talking to him while being in bed. Yesterday I was sitting on his lift chair and dosed off – I thought he came across the room via the front door.
Maybe he is there comforting me, and I am so thankful for that.
My daughter had a dream where my husband walked around the corner healthy and happy. She walked over to him and gave him a big hug. He embraced me whispering something in my ear. My crazy sister was there, and he started teasing her about her boyfriends. As my mom sat in the background (as you know, she has passed).
Was this my mom ushering him, so he could pass on a message to me?
I am still unbalanced and spacey sometime sitting there on the couch or kitchen chair just staring into space and lost. This can last long periods of time – I keep telling myself to get up and do…, but I still sit there in silence.
I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.
