To say my life has been erratic doesn’t even begin to explain all the ups and downs I have had.
Some days are better than others, and everything reminds me of my sweetheart. The other day I was cleaning up and feeling better than normal then I came across the red bag. The red bag that I had put mail in so that I could make my husband feel he was still part of his world.
If you have been through this disease, you know that at some point you have to help your loved one find a purpose or connect them to their world. My husband was a business man, 
and he was all about doing business dealings, handling finances, etc. So I took this red bag and filled it with mail that I would usually throw away and at certain times of the day, I would ask him.
Do you want to open the mail?
And of course he would say yes, I would hand him this bag and he would sometime go for hours opening the mail put it into stacks, etc. He also would play cards (what he felt was a game) so I would give him a deck of cards, and that would keep him satisfied for a while.
When I found this red bag while cleaning the other day, it floored me. Tears just flowed, and I didn’t know what to do with it. I didn’t want to throw it away – but it wasn’t like this was a good time in his life so what should I do?
It was just the fact that he had touched the bag and used the mail so often, it was almost like his essence was still there. I was plunged back into the world of. I cannot live without him. How am I going to ever be happy again?
It has been nine months, and the wounds are still open and raw. In fact, it seems like the more time goes by the realization that I am not going to see him in this life floors me even more.
Thank goodness for the time I have relief. When I am up at my kids or hanging with some friends who help distract me from this reality.
Learning to live a life for myself is really daunting. I am learning a lot, but I have much farther to go.
