Living In Truth

I was thinking about all the layers of my life. It’s as if I have lived 4 different lives. I didn’t see what was in my future, but I always kept a positive outlook. My mom was my mentor; she was always positive no matter what life threw at her.

I am amazed at all she endured never complaining always smiling– teaching us kids by example. Her life was a really hard life,  she lost her mom at 8, she got in a  car accident at 19 and was paraplegic, her husband divorced her after the accident, she gave birth to a son but had to give him up to adoption because no one would help her with him (she was in the hospital for a year).   My sister committed suicide at the age of 20. I would hear her at night when no one was listening – whaling out of pain, she was strong when she up dealing with the aftermath. As a little child I was afraid and would pray “Please God let us have her live at least until I am 18”.

My mom was told he couldn’t have kids (she fooled them) and ended up having four kids. I am the oldest. Her second

I Miss You Mom…

marriage fell apart (because of my dad’s demons) she basically raised us all on her own. Still with all this she was fiercely independent and did whatever she could  make other lives a little better. Anyone who met her loved her. Many a time I went downtown with her in her wheelchair and pushed her up the big hill to our house when we would come back. Later in life my mom did get an electric wheel chair, and I was running to keep up with her. Mom lobbied to get curbs that were accessible to the handy capped she succeeded. She also worked for the crisis center helping with the suicide hotline. She did many things and didn’t ever find excuses.

The one mission in life she had was one she often expressed – I will never leave you kids I will be around when you need me. The devastation of losing her mom and having her and her three sisters live from house to house would never happen to her children.

The hospital told her that a life as a paraplegic was only about 16 yrs. Boy did she defy the odds mom lived until she was 76 and even then she chose to go. At the end of her life she decided she didn’t want to have dialysis. Mom asked the doctor if dying from kidney failure was painful, he said no you just go to sleep. Mom decided that day she was not going to get anymore treatment. All her kids were grown, and she was able to help raise her grand kids and even saw some of her great grand kids.

Mom said to me, what do you think about my decision? My heart was broken, but I understood she had been through so much in her life, and at this point she was in constant pain. I told her I couldn’t bear her leaving us, but I could understand why she made the decision. She then replied, you know I will still be here, and I know that I will be able to look over all of you.

My mom passed away on – November 12, 2010 at 1:14 with most of her kids and grand kids there. She told me how much she loved me just hours before she died.

Mom died on her terms on: 10.11.12.13.14 since then I have really struggled with the loss. Even so, I know she is around – and someday I will be reunited with her.