Personal Stories of Triumph, Pain and Everything In-between…

Growing Older

Not something for the faint of heart, but preferred over the alternative

With each level of these diseases along with substantial life changes my strength is constantly tested.  I am afraid I am about to undergo one of the hardest things of all…

The last few days have been very emotional for me. My husband is going downhill – for the first time he didn’t know who I was it was just for a moment, but it is heart breaking.Strength

He is down to 125 lbs and at his healthy weight, he was 182 – the last time we weight him; he was 140 now 124 so skinny.

He is not making any sense at all – he jabbers in his language and when I can understand him, he worries about his grown kids being OK.  His kids never come and see him – his sons are too busy it breaks my heart. His daughter does and he is so happy when she, and his granddaughters come over.

It a misnomer to think he doesn’t know when people come to visit him. They are thinking that he doesn’t know who they are anyway – but he does feel their love and energy. He needs his children to come and just love him.

They are in their 40’s for god sake, it’s not like they are children.

I have always put off making funeral arrangements of any kind I thought when the time comes we will deal with it. Now that I really think the time is near, I am compelled to start getting things together. I don’t want all of his many brothers, sisters and children to come in and just take over.

It’s funny how as time goes on I am changing and rapidly. For the first time in my life I feel like an adult like I am stronger I didn’t realize the strength I had.  Having to take charge and figure everything out myself this last few year makes me realize how strong I really am.

Going through it I felt like I was going to fall to pieces I didn’t.

Now is the greatest test of all when I think of life without my husband I just want to melt into the floor and die…

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Real Love – True Spiritual Lasting Forever

I know I made the right decision when I walk into the room and his eyes light up, and he gives me that big beautiful smile.Real Love

When he can see me when he wakes up in the morning and goes to bed at night.

When he says come over here – when he is waiting for me to come home.

When he has the dignity and love he deserves – and can get only at home.

“I love him so much – this is what real love is.”

Pure unadulterated LOVE

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I should have been posting articles; it has been a long time since I have. It almost seems that even though I quit my job, I am busier than ever and to walk upstairs to my office is too much. Ridiculous I know. My emotions are like a roller coaster, and sometime I feel like I am bi-polar.

As my husband slips deeper into his illness there are limited things he can do. He is having a very hard time walking so he is immobile. We have a routine; he usually sleeps late and when the CNA comes we wake him up, and I help her take him to the shower. With the help of both of us, we can get him into the shower; I have bought handles, so he can grab on and feel safe when he is stepping in but he is still full of fear that he is going  to fall. It is quite an ordeal to get him to sit in the shower chair – once in a while he will refuse but most of the times we get him to sit.

Once he is showered shaved and cleaned up, he is helped into the front room/ kitchen area eats takes his medicine, and if I am lucky, he will take Bi-polarit without incidence sometimes he starts chewing getting confused about the difference between swallowing and chewing.  I feed him if he just doesn’t seem to want to eat himself. I put on the TV even though I don’t think he can really understand it – sometimes he will talk back to the people on the TV. I also have cards I will give him, and if he is in the mood, he will play with them. When he is not in the mood for that he will want to finish his paperwork for his business, so I give him a red bag, and he will pull out papers and write on them gibberish. But to him – he is being productive.

He stays up around five hours, and then he is tired and wants to lie down. He wants me beside him and many times when I am not in the bedroom with him; he calls for me. He is in his hospital bed, and I will sit by him and hold hands, climb into bed with him or just lay on my bed beside him. We have a enormous TV on our wall that we watch. He will talk and chatter telling me things I cannot make out but I pretend to understand.

He is getting so skinny that it worries me. He is 5’10 when he was healthy he weighed 180 lbs. Now he is down to 140 as skinny as he is you would think that lifting his legs and helping him would be easier, but it isn’t his legs are like dead weight; I have hurt myself numerous times trying to help him. He just cannot move himself even when I help him into bed; I have to situate his body so that he isn’t crooked.

I have knots in my stomach – and I feel lost.  I have never had to be alone like this before.

I want my husband back…

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