Personal Stories of Triumph, Pain and Everything In-between…

Monthly Archives: October 2012

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I was going through my journal –  I believe I was prompted to go directly to this entry – I needed to read this today.

At the time I wrote this I was searching for something to comfort me or to give me a sense of peace. I told my brother how sad and lonely I felt, he said to me, “Why don’t you write mom and dad, they will reply” so that is what I did.

I must tell you – I have no doubt they did speak to me, I am thankful I wrote it down. –

Here is the entry.

Mom,

I miss you so much and wish I could just hug you and hear your voice even if it is just one more time.

Sarah,

I am right here beside you and will always be with you even if you do not see me in the physical – I will always protect you and be part of your life.

It will not be long until we are reunited and until then I want you to live a joyous and happy life. No more crying – we will be reunited in the blink of an eye. I am no longer in pain or sick and free from being limited in my mobility – it makes me sad to see you upset. I love you and want you to live a full life with no regrets…

Mom – do you see dad?

Yes, reuniting with everyone was such a joy – to see Wendy, grandpa, grandma and Grayson he is such a handsome and loving soul… And my mom how amazing it was to be in her arms again. Not to mention your dad wheeling and dealing all over the place …

I am so proud of my family – please say a special prayer for Colleen every night I want her to feel my comfort and for her to know that I am with her also. You brother and I are still in contact everyday – we talk quite often…
He is the best son any mother could have… Give him a hug for me.

Crystal – needs your prayers most of all.  

Dad,

I have had so much clarity on what I should do – new projects and plans I believe you are the guiding force behind those. But I have no energy and miss you so much…

Sarah, 

My little baby girl, yes your old daddy is right there feeding you idea’s so don’t think you are off the hook. I am going to bug the hell out of you every day. Remember when an idea hits you and is clarified it is me, we will still make our first million – as I have always said “you are the one that is most like me”. Together we will go far – I am behind you pushing. And yes I like the idea of you getting my blog off the ground and donating to AA will be an honor to me.

Thank you – and tell Amber I love her.

A little background: My mom and dad had been divorced for many years – but they did stay in touch and had a love for one another.  Every time my dad talked to my mom on the phone he would tell her he loved her. They died only 4 months apart.

My dad had written a blog before he died – it is something that I had told him I would help him edit and publish. He was a recovering alcoholic – and had been sober for 20 yrs. When he died I decided to edit and make sure his blog was published and made into a book.

I need to do that.

His blog is not for the faint of heart! He was irreverent, politically incorrect, and had an unusual sense of humor – I love him so…

If you have lost love ones try this exercise – it will allow your loved ones to come through and talk to you…

You may think I am a little crazy but try it. You will see that I am right :-)

 

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Since the passing of my parents – 2 short years ago, I have been in a sort of  daze. I cannot really put my finger on it but I just don’t find joy in life.

Being a successful business owner – and working in my profession for years use to give me satisfaction, but now I find it is not as fulfilling. I hope this changes.

Of course I do find those sparks of joy when I have my grandkids – or see their little faces. Just the sound of there voice makes me smile.

I guess that is why I am writing this blog. I am sure a lot of you out there feel the same way in differing degree’s.

I have been finding that if I force myself to do what I need to – not just sit around and become immersed in the TV or play video games until my fingers are numb I feel a lot better.

I can kind of see how people start hording or eating or anything to make them numb. I have put on 30lbs in the last year and 1/2 and I just have to do what I need to do without the negative dialogue I have in my head.

It is a worry – I know that what we do on a daily basis is what makes our life successful or not. I am not going down the right track. As a young girl and woman I was such a positive and happy girl. How sad

I feel, it is as if I have lost her and in her place is this sad, grumpy, old woman “did I really say that!”.

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I don’t know about you but at the age of 54 I feel like I am in my 30s or 40s. Just to say “I am 54″ gets caught in my throat. Really where did the time go?

The funniest thing about getting older is thinking people are middle aged when you are probably the same age if not older…

All my life I was told how beautiful I was – as I grow older I find my identity shifting and insecurities creeping in. Am I the only one?

I have had so many successes in my life and some how that is not what comes to my mind quite the opposite. I have always believed looks fade but who we are as people lasts forever. Still so very true – so why am I having these thoughts…

I believe I am still attractive, but youth has fled and it makes me realize that one can feel insecure even in there 50’s. I suppose I thought that as I got older I would become more settled and satisfied in who I was.

I love those women who are growing older and make no apologies to themselves or anyone else. I always believed I would be one of those strong independent self-assured women. What happened?

Perhaps, I show my self to be that woman – but in the still quiet hours, when I am alone with myself I know that I still have a lot of work to do.

 

It ain’t over until its over…

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