Personal Stories of Triumph, Pain and Everything In-between…

Children

No one knows what total unrelenting – love is until they raise a child. All consuming and total joyous love.

 

Read the previous post for the whole story…

Even though we lost little Hunter I can tell you that our family would not have changed a thing. To have this beautiful soul in our lives, – and then to have lost him (temporarily) is bitter sweet, but in the end we have learned so much in such a short time.

With this I have to share the poem my Daughter wrote for her son on the morning of his funeral. She asked me to read it – somehow I did get the strength.

This poem brings tears to my eyes every time I read it.

 

This Is Going To Hurt

“This is going to hurt”

The nurse said to me, only hours after having my special baby; it was about a shot, but I knew better, it was about the journey ahead of me.

“This is going to hurt”…

I saw you for the first time, so little and so frail, I knew instantly you were my life’s mission and I knew I couldn’t fail…

“This is going to hurt”….

I took you home and raised you, amid Dr’s warnings, trying to prepare; your big brown eyes and fuzzy red hair caught me unaware, they nestled themselves deep in my heart and I felt such joy… and I just loved you beyond all others my precious baby boy…

‘This is going to hurt’…

Loss of a child

Hunter

It wasn’t easy for either of us; doctors words, needles and pain.

Sweetheart for all the time it gave us I wouldn’t change a thing.

Those late late nights of holding you and kissing your double chin, your feistiness and tiny hands, gripping my thumb within.

Your sweet gaze full of love, staring at my face… for all the love I felt from you and God’s amazing Grace…

‘This is going to hurt’…

Nine months, sweet boy I held you; nine months, I watched your strife; nine months, we fought together to keep you in this life…

But your little body couldn’t bare what your spirit tried to best… and together we decided to let your little body rest…

“This is going to hurt”…Hunter

I know you are up there watching, playing with angels in the sky. Please forgive me baby boy if all I want to do right now is cry…

Such a blessing to all who knew you, so many sweet moments time cannot replace. Sleep in Gods arms little one and know you have found your place.

Play with your family up in heaven dear, look forward to the day I join you amidst all the beauty up there. I will once again hold you and gaze at your darling face. Know that I wouldn’t change a thing, not one memory would I erase…

It was worth every ounce of hurt…

I love you Hunter baby….

 

Love Mom

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Today is my first grandson’s 7th birthday.  My daughter was married six years before she could conceive a baby,  we were all so excited when he arrived.

She had some problems, so I took her to the Dr. her liver was failing they had to do an immediate C-Section. The family gathered outside waiting until the little guy was delivered. When her husband came out of the  operating room, he looked ashen and asks everyone to leave the room but me. He told me that the baby had some problems, and they were going to have to take him to primary children’s hospital. Little did we know he was born with HPE – when my daughter woke up, they wheeled Hunter in his incubator to her room; he was so sweet – she couldn’t hold him, but at least she could see him before he left.

We didn’t know the severity of what was to come, but I told her things would be OK.  And so our journey went – each time we had a doctor’s consultation it seemed there was more bad news. And each time I told her to  hang on we would get through this there has to be a treatment…Losing a child

I couldn’t have known there would come a time when we had to accept he was not going to grow up to be an adult. We had hoped we could keep him for a few years at least we worked hard to keep him, as long as we could.

The hardest thing in the world is being a mother and realizing you cannot make it better for your child; you cannot take away the pain or shield them from emotions that will rip them apart.

Hunter made it through his first Thanksgiving – my daughter has a picture of my mom holding little Hunter on her mantel. We had people donated items, and we had fundraisers for him. Then he was able to make it

through Christmas. With all of the medical bills my kids were having a hard time financially my mom was the catalyst and my aunt  she told her family that the only thing she wanted for Christmas was to give gifts to my daughters little family.

They collected money,  gifts and that Christmas Hunter had an amazing Christmas – he love the bright colored toys and watch as his parents unwrapped gift after gift.

Then on a cold Friday in January I received a call from my daughter she said “mom I think Hunter is in trouble and he isn’t going to make it, please come”.  So I rushed to her home and sat with her and Hunter. When he did pass my daughter was holding him in her arms. First she said I smell grandma (who had just recently passed away) then Hunter rose up his arms to the sky and breathed his last breath.

My daughter was holding him sobbing saying I am so sorry hunter I am so sorry. I was holding them both of them.

He was wrapped in a very soft light blue blanket. I remembered when I was at my Grandma’s and she passed away the coroner came to the house and put her in a body bag – I couldn’t stand it – it was horrible,  painful and tore me apart. Because of this experience I was worried. I didn’t want my daughter to hand my grandson to anyone else.

I told her I would take him to where he needed to go – my husband was there by that time and he drove me up to my mom’s she wanted to see him one more time. Then we took him to the mortuary, I was in shock I had to hand that little guy to a guy who met me at the door it was late at night.

He was 9 months old when he left us.

I went back to my daughters and spent the next few days – that night we all went to bed together. I slept on one side, my daughter in the middle and her husband on the other side. It was just natural as we held each other she sobbed and the helplessness I felt was overwhelming.

This was going to be another tough year…

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