Personal Stories of Triumph, Pain and Everything In-between…

Challenges

I should have been posting articles; it has been a long time since I have. It almost seems that even though I quit my job, I am busier than ever and to walk upstairs to my office is too much. Ridiculous I know. My emotions are like a roller coaster, and sometime I feel like I am bi-polar.

As my husband slips deeper into his illness there are limited things he can do. He is having a very hard time walking so he is immobile. We have a routine; he usually sleeps late and when the CNA comes we wake him up, and I help her take him to the shower. With the help of both of us, we can get him into the shower; I have bought handles, so he can grab on and feel safe when he is stepping in but he is still full of fear that he is going  to fall. It is quite an ordeal to get him to sit in the shower chair – once in a while he will refuse but most of the times we get him to sit.

Once he is showered shaved and cleaned up, he is helped into the front room/ kitchen area eats takes his medicine, and if I am lucky, he will take Bi-polarit without incidence sometimes he starts chewing getting confused about the difference between swallowing and chewing.  I feed him if he just doesn’t seem to want to eat himself. I put on the TV even though I don’t think he can really understand it – sometimes he will talk back to the people on the TV. I also have cards I will give him, and if he is in the mood, he will play with them. When he is not in the mood for that he will want to finish his paperwork for his business, so I give him a red bag, and he will pull out papers and write on them gibberish. But to him – he is being productive.

He stays up around five hours, and then he is tired and wants to lie down. He wants me beside him and many times when I am not in the bedroom with him; he calls for me. He is in his hospital bed, and I will sit by him and hold hands, climb into bed with him or just lay on my bed beside him. We have a enormous TV on our wall that we watch. He will talk and chatter telling me things I cannot make out but I pretend to understand.

He is getting so skinny that it worries me. He is 5’10 when he was healthy he weighed 180 lbs. Now he is down to 140 as skinny as he is you would think that lifting his legs and helping him would be easier, but it isn’t his legs are like dead weight; I have hurt myself numerous times trying to help him. He just cannot move himself even when I help him into bed; I have to situate his body so that he isn’t crooked.

I have knots in my stomach – and I feel lost.  I have never had to be alone like this before.

I want my husband back…

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I have started feeding my husband more finger foods – I do still make curry and tradition Indian food, but I usually feed him with that. The other night I gave him curried chicken with Nan (bread) when the Nan was gone; he was rolling it up with the paper towel and eating it.

A few nights ago I cut up some little crusty sandwiches and made some spicy – sweet honey mustard. He loved it – he was chowing Spicy Mustarddown and ate the whole small bowl of spicy mustard with it. At 3 in the morning, he wakes up with tremendous pain in his bottom left rib. Moaning and seeming out of breath. I tried to make him comfortable nothing worked so I called the nurse who had me open up the emergency pack she gave me. Inside were different syringes of medicine one of them was morphine. He doesn’t take any pain medication, so I was really hesitant to give it to him, but the nurse reassured me. It was a very small dose.

Then I gave him a Zanax because he was so upset and making things worse. He fell asleep as I was looking up what it could be on my phone the number one this was heartburn, indigestion. I know that can cause severe sharp pains – I believe it was the mustard he ate didn’t agree with him.

Years ago, I had a dog named Willey, and I would feed him table scraps, one day I  feed him some spicy mustard to see what he would do. He ended up with pancreatitis,  I had to spend over 1000.00 to get him well.

I almost killed my dog with mustard and now my husband.

The next day he would not get up he just sleep no pills no eating no drinking. I was worried he is already dehydrated. The nurse came his vitals are OK the medicine just knocked him for a loop. Then yesterday we got him out of bed, but he really didn’t know what was going on. He was unaware of anything and was just wide-eyed and tarring. When I would talk to him, he would answer back but not in a way I could understand.

Now I am really worried – maybe I shouldn’t have given him the medicine could that have caused him to digress, will he get any better.

My heart  is breaking into a million pieces….

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It took me a while to come up with a word for 2017 – Initially I was going to use discover – I even made a graphic for it. But then I realized through my sadness and pain – I am just not there yet.

My life’s circumstances are devastating to say the least so no, not discover – then it came to me “strength”. Yes, I need strength to make it through this year. However, when I decided to look up, the exact meaning of the word it really didn’t fit – I need not only physical strength but also spiritual and mental strength.

I have finally found the word I need for 2017 and it is “COURAGE”

Yes I am going to have to really come to grips with my life and the total devastation that I will feel when I finally lose my husband. I touch his face and hold his hand at night when we sleep – with a deep sense of love and sadness.

I feel that the next holiday season will be spent alone… nothing anyone can really ever prepare for, the loss of a spouse – a hole through my heart – devastation in my soul…

Yes the perfect word for 2017 is Courage…

Courage to live life.

 

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