I was flipping through one of my journals last night and there seems to be a reoccurring theme I am always tired and this journal was from 2002. The husband waking me up syndrome has been going on a longtime – so it is not necessarily his illness. It has gotten worse – and I know he does get bone tired a lot easier but still – 11 years without sleep “Really”!
As I read some of my journal entries I seriously though why am I keeping these journals?
For posterity – if that is the case I had better edit some entry’s and delete others it would be “so embarrassing” if my family read them. Others are so boring – but it does bring back a lot of memories that I had forgotten about.
Perhaps I will write a book about my life and relationships – then it may be important. When I read biography’s I always want to know more about the person. I just read one of Nora Ephron’s books “I Feel Bad About My Neck”. I had seen her on Oprah several years ago and found her intriguing it wasn’t until she died last year I actually bought the book. I really liked it – just little personal memoirs of her life. The last chapter was a little dark – she had just lost her best friend and some of her thoughts echoed my feelings.
I am seriously thinking about writing a book – I have been told for years through astrologist and psychics alike I would write a book – or do something with my writings. But I wonder why would anyone really want to read about me? I am just an average person – living an extraordinary life…
I don’t know why but I cannot sleep at night; it is so frustrating. I am dragging half the day then comes the night – I am wide awake. I am not a night person (it doesn’t make sense I know). My feeling is when I don’t get up at a decent hour in the morning my day is shot. When I do get up early I get so much more done, and then I feel like I have accomplished something with my day.
On other nights, my husband who cannot sleep keeps trying to pull me over to him – he wants to hug and hold me all night – I know there are some women who would kill for this
When he keeps trying to get me over to his side of the bed, I screech like a ban chi then feel guilty in the morning. Last night he made some reference to the fact I told him to leave me alone – I don’t remember that but when I finally need sleep at any cost, I take an Ambien – I bet it was one of those nights.
My husband who has always been extremely sexual but not the most affectionate man – has turned into a snuggle bug. I don’t know if it has to do with his illness – or that fact he is getting older. On top of that he is starting to act like a teenager and wants to spend all our time in the “bedroom”… or every room of the house for that matter. Being together for the past 22 years you would think he would slow down. I remember hearing when I was young “just because there is snow on the roof top it doesn’t mean there isn’t a fire below” it is true at 72 you would think the weekends would be enough – but then again, he is a Scorpio.
I enjoy sex as much as any woman, but – I am 54, and it is not like I am 24. As I have gotten older, I enjoy other things and sex, which is important – is not the end all to be all it used to be. It is kind of sad in a way – and liberating at the same time.
I know I should just enjoy this time – there will be a time when he is no longer with me, and I will long for him. With his illness – I am more and more aware of that fact. Even so, I try not to think about his being sick – I have to be strong for the both of us; we need to enjoy every single day not wallow in the pain of it all.
Life is a rich tapestry – and each day brings things that we all should appreciate. With all the negativity in the world we just need to be joyous for the simple, pure pleasures we all can find in day to day experiences. Just remembering this one simple thing is all we need to do to find happiness.