Personal Stories of Triumph, Pain and Everything In-between…

Losing Loved Ones

If we don’t go first we will all experience the pain and loss of people we love.

It took me a while to come up with a word for 2017 – Initially I was going to use discover – I even made a graphic for it. But then I realized through my sadness and pain – I am just not there yet.

My life’s circumstances are devastating to say the least so no, not discover – then it came to me “strength”. Yes, I need strength to make it through this year. However, when I decided to look up, the exact meaning of the word it really didn’t fit – I need not only physical strength but also spiritual and mental strength.

I have finally found the word I need for 2017 and it is “COURAGE”

Yes I am going to have to really come to grips with my life and the total devastation that I will feel when I finally lose my husband. I touch his face and hold his hand at night when we sleep – with a deep sense of love and sadness.

I feel that the next holiday season will be spent alone… nothing anyone can really ever prepare for, the loss of a spouse – a hole through my heart – devastation in my soul…

Yes the perfect word for 2017 is Courage…

Courage to live life.

 

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I am having a lot of problems remembering simple things – atHospice - comfort care night I cannot sleep so that is no help. I finally made the decision to put Aziz on hospice. The nurse will be coming over tonight, so I can sign the paperwork.

Yesterday was not so good; my back was hurting and I was very down and frustrated.

Trying to get my husband out of bed was hard. He just didn’t understand what he needed to do.

He is pulling back instead of letting me help him sit up, so much resistance. He thinks he is doing what he needs to do. It makes me so sad.

Now that I have decided to put him on hospice, he will be getting the equipment he needs, and I will be getting more help. I really need the help…

We are going to call it comfort care; it is so much better and doesn’t sound like I am putting him on death row… That’s how I feel…

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I am speeding towards a head on collision and I cannot stop it. The impact is going to be earth shattering.

I feel so overwhelmed most of the time I am so sad about this, I just want to dig in my heels and say “NO NO NO” I am not going on this journey. I’m not doing it!

My husband is regressing and is having problems with most everything. Direction, movement, thought woman in destressprocess and bathroom issues. I get him up put on his clothes and shoes for him. I point him to which room he wants to go because he gets confused. I shave him – I actually like it I feel closer to him.

I waver from being resigned and trying to do the best I can to totally stressing out and wanting to shut down. My sister is helping me without her I would not know what to do. Home health is between 19.00 and 23.00 an hour who has that type of money?

As stressed as I am financially – emotionally I am drained just the thought of being without my husband makes me want to fall to the ground. I am paying my sister $10.00 an hour. It adds up to a minimum of 800.00 a month, and I am only working part time. I am basically trading my pay check for my husbands care – but I still have the great insurance that is giving us the best neurologists available.

There is always a silver lining (I think…)

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