Personal Stories of Triumph, Pain and Everything In-between…

Losing Loved Ones

If we don’t go first we will all experience the pain and loss of people we love.

With each level of these diseases along with substantial life changes my strength is constantly tested.  I am afraid I am about to undergo one of the hardest things of all…

The last few days have been very emotional for me. My husband is going downhill – for the first time he didn’t know who I was it was just for a moment, but it is heart breaking.Strength

He is down to 125 lbs and at his healthy weight, he was 182 – the last time we weight him; he was 140 now 124 so skinny.

He is not making any sense at all – he jabbers in his language and when I can understand him, he worries about his grown kids being OK.  His kids never come and see him – his sons are too busy it breaks my heart. His daughter does and he is so happy when she, and his granddaughters come over.

It a misnomer to think he doesn’t know when people come to visit him. They are thinking that he doesn’t know who they are anyway – but he does feel their love and energy. He needs his children to come and just love him.

They are in their 40’s for god sake, it’s not like they are children.

I have always put off making funeral arrangements of any kind I thought when the time comes we will deal with it. Now that I really think the time is near, I am compelled to start getting things together. I don’t want all of his many brothers, sisters and children to come in and just take over.

It’s funny how as time goes on I am changing and rapidly. For the first time in my life I feel like an adult like I am stronger I didn’t realize the strength I had.  Having to take charge and figure everything out myself this last few year makes me realize how strong I really am.

Going through it I felt like I was going to fall to pieces I didn’t.

Now is the greatest test of all when I think of life without my husband I just want to melt into the floor and die…

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It took me a while to come up with a word for 2017 – Initially I was going to use discover – I even made a graphic for it. But then I realized through my sadness and pain – I am just not there yet.

My life’s circumstances are devastating to say the least so no, not discover – then it came to me “strength”. Yes, I need strength to make it through this year. However, when I decided to look up, the exact meaning of the word it really didn’t fit – I need not only physical strength but also spiritual and mental strength.

I have finally found the word I need for 2017 and it is “COURAGE”

Yes I am going to have to really come to grips with my life and the total devastation that I will feel when I finally lose my husband. I touch his face and hold his hand at night when we sleep – with a deep sense of love and sadness.

I feel that the next holiday season will be spent alone… nothing anyone can really ever prepare for, the loss of a spouse – a hole through my heart – devastation in my soul…

Yes the perfect word for 2017 is Courage…

Courage to live life.

 

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I am having a lot of problems remembering simple things – atHospice - comfort care night I cannot sleep so that is no help. I finally made the decision to put Aziz on hospice. The nurse will be coming over tonight, so I can sign the paperwork.

Yesterday was not so good; my back was hurting and I was very down and frustrated.

Trying to get my husband out of bed was hard. He just didn’t understand what he needed to do.

He is pulling back instead of letting me help him sit up, so much resistance. He thinks he is doing what he needs to do. It makes me so sad.

Now that I have decided to put him on hospice, he will be getting the equipment he needs, and I will be getting more help. I really need the help…

We are going to call it comfort care; it is so much better and doesn’t sound like I am putting him on death row… That’s how I feel…

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