Personal Stories of Triumph, Pain and Everything In-between…

Monthly Archives: December 2016

It is Christmas day, and I must say a really sad one.

I kissed my husband on the cheek and said Merry Christmas – knowing he probably doesn’t even know it is Christmas.

We had a family party at my daughters, and I loved seeing all my grand-kids but as Aziz sat on the recliner with a blank look in his face, it was heart Sad, God, Christmasbreaking; I just couldn’t feel joy.

I am so thankful for my family for being there for me. My brother came over and drove the van to the family party that was 1 ½ away and drove home. It was very emotionally exhausting, and yesterday I didn’t even want any company at all. I slept until I had to get up and get my husband dressed – around 11.

Usually, I get up several hours earlier so I can clean up, get dressed and ready for the day before I get him up. Getting him up has gotten harder and harder because he doesn’t know how to stand up – he pulls back instead of going forward. Usually, I get him up and put him on the seat of the walker, take him to the bathroom, so he can swish, and brush his teeth but sadly. Sometimes he forgets how to swish or brush his teeth.

I feel this is the last Christmas I will have my husband and I cannot help but feel like crying. I think the fact that my sister committed suicide on Christmas Eve doesn’t help even if it was 35 years ago. It never goes away.

I just have to believe there is a reason and leave it in God’s hands – but boy is it hard.

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Discover synonyms: Finding, Uncovering, Unearthing, Realization

Thanks to Laurel Regan (Alphabet Salad), blog post about using a word instead of setting goals I have now adapted it  in my lexicon.

She used this method for the year 2014, and it worked for her. The idea is, instead of making New Year’s resolutions set your intention for the year with a word, something that will set the tone for what you want to accomplish.

Well in 2015 I used the word Empowerment and even though I didn’t pick a word for 2016 that word carried me through the last two years. Without me realizing it, as I look back I have empowered myself and done things to secure my future, things that are uncomfortable but necessary.

I have been mulling over words this morning, and nothing seemed to fit until I thought about the word discover.

“So in 2017 I am going to use the word DISCOVER”

The reason this was so poignant to me is that I have yet to discover who I really am.  That may seem like a cliché but it really isn’t for me. I have always been a wife, mother, daughter and sister. But I never really put my needs or what I wanted on the front burner ever!

Now I am going through the crisis of losing my husband and my identity, I need to find out simple fundamentals about what I want to do with my life, what is important to me and even. What do I enjoy beyond the obvious?

It is almost painful to think this way because I am admitting to myself the obvious my husband will not be with me on the rest of my journey.

It makes me so sad…

Discovery - My Life

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I needed professional help. I felt I couldn’t deal with all these things swirling through my head; I felt like I was going to have a
nervous breakdown.

I have a habit that as soon as I wake up. I turn on the TV usually to news to find out the latest, or so I thought. I subsequently found out it helped me tune out of reality – that and Cheetos.

The other morning I walked out from my room and sat upon the couch – pure silence, and suddenly I was pushed into the reality of what was happening in my life. I pondered the fact that I had no control over my destiny, and the truth that I would soon lose my husband. I felt I couldn’t deal with all these things swirling through my head; I felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I needed professional help.Professional help

It was almost a panic attack. When I went to work it was not much better – I told my friend, I could not do this, I just can’t. She said what work? No life – I cannot handle this… she quietly said, “why don’t you get some professional help”? I had already been thinking about it, so I made an appointment.

I couldn’t get in for two weeks – my therapist’s name is Paul. When I had my first appointment – I walked in and just unloaded on him. I told him about my sorrows, about my life, about my situation, about my childhood, first marriage you name it. It isn’t like me at all, and I surprised myself. I obviously needed someone I could just confide in, talk to.

It felt good to get it all off my chest – just to have someone listen. Toward the end of the session, he did teach me a tool to use that if I do it will help a great deal.

It is five steps and goes like this:

  1. Situation: (what is the situation that is causing you the most discomfort, stress)
  2. Emotions: (how do you feel when it is happening)
  3. Scale from: 1 – 10
  4. Thinking errors: (cognitive distortions)
    He gave me a two-page list of cognitive distortions to go through and check against my emotions.
  5. Re-write (What can logically be done when in that situation again.)

I found that after going through this exercise my anxiety level was down quite a bit, and I had really overblown
the outcome of that situations…

We will resume our sessions after the holidays – when he told me he wouldn’t be in until after the holiday season I thought: No wonder there are so many suicides during the holidays! Then it’s a good thing I am not thinking about suicide.

I would never joke with him on this – he would have to report it, and then think of the mess I would be in LOL.

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