Personal Stories of Triumph, Pain and Everything In-between…

Monthly Archives: December 2015

I love Christmas – one of my biggest wishes is that I would be able to buy Christmas gifts for everyone and not have a budget.

When I was younger even though we were poor by most standards, I loved everything I received  for Christmas. Like most kids, my grandparent gave us socks and underwear every year. One year looking-at-toysI went shopping with my Grandma and she was trying coats on me – I was about 9. I love the coat and thought she was shopping for me. When she found the one that fit me, and I loved she told me “I am buying this for Stephanie for Christmas” (she is my cousin who is the same age as I am). My heart was broken – I wanted to cry but didn’t…

As you can guess come Christmas morning – there was the coat under the tree…

My favorite Christmas(s) were those when my kids were little – being able to see the excitement as they sat on Santa’s knee. Getting up so early – because they just couldn’t sleep, I miss those times.

The last two years I have not had the Christmas spirit, and we have not put up a tree like we had all the other years. We are flying out of town on Christmas Eve so that is a good excuse for this year.

I went shopping this morning and bought some gift and lo and behold I was feeling a glimmer of my old self again, happy and excited.

I want to be able to be happy and joyous, but sadly I don’t think that will happen for a long time. My life as I knew it is rapidly changing it is so heart breaking; I am trying to find as much joy as I can each day God willing.

Share This Post

I don’t know how to really survive these roller-coaster of emotions. I have always been a fairly easy going, easy to get along with, level person. Well unless you ask my kids that LOL.

Now I am finding I don’t know from day to day how I am going to handle things. There have even been some days where I just want to cry. Going through this illness with my husband is very hard.Woman head down I have finally realized I have not even really properly mourned for those loved one that have moved on from this life.

I don’t like to show emotion, and I have always tried to be brave like my mom who in every situation was a rock. However, I think it has been to my detriment; I have stifled my emotions so much that I feel ½ the time I don’t have any and the other ½  I am falling apart.

My husband right now is having a hard time understanding things and isn’t always sure where the bathroom is from the kitchen. Half the time he doesn’t know this is his home, and doesn’t know who I really am. Yet he is functioning on a day to day basis. Getting up , getting dressed, fixing his own breakfast and exercising.

He is still trying to manage the finances, and I am having a very hard time getting in there and helping. He keeps telling me I am trying to take over – I reassure him; I am not I would rather not have to do this.

He has never been an easy-going  person quite the contrary – now that he feels himself slipping away he is really difficult and demanding at times. It is a struggle to get him to take the medicine – and day to day l don’t know if I am going to be fighting with him over simple things or if he is going to be angry with me over something completely imagined.

When he thinks I am another woman he is nice, polite and caring – what is this? When this happens I am both relieved and hurt at the same time. I know it isn’t his fault. I had coffee with a friend the other day and expressed my emotions over this – he said “just realize it is not that he doesn’t love you don’t take it personally”.  Just play the role and don’t get stressed out.

Easier said than done.

Share This Post