I love Christmas – one of my biggest wishes is that I would be able to buy Christmas gifts for everyone and not have a budget.
When I was younger even though we were poor by most standards, I loved everything I received for Christmas. Like most kids, my grandparent gave us socks and underwear every year. One year I went shopping with my Grandma and she was trying coats on me – I was about 9. I love the coat and thought she was shopping for me. When she found the one that fit me, and I loved she told me “I am buying this for Stephanie for Christmas” (she is my cousin who is the same age as I am). My heart was broken – I wanted to cry but didn’t…
As you can guess come Christmas morning – there was the coat under the tree…
My favorite Christmas(s) were those when my kids were little – being able to see the excitement as they sat on Santa’s knee. Getting up so early – because they just couldn’t sleep, I miss those times.
The last two years I have not had the Christmas spirit, and we have not put up a tree like we had all the other years. We are flying out of town on Christmas Eve so that is a good excuse for this year.
I went shopping this morning and bought some gift and lo and behold I was feeling a glimmer of my old self again, happy and excited.
I want to be able to be happy and joyous, but sadly I don’t think that will happen for a long time. My life as I knew it is rapidly changing it is so heart breaking; I am trying to find as much joy as I can each day God willing.
I don’t know how to really survive these roller-coaster of emotions. I have always been a fairly easy going, easy to get along with, level person. Well unless you ask my kids that LOL.
Now I am finding I don’t know from day to day how I am going to handle things. There have even been some days where I just want to cry. Going through this illness with my husband is very hard. I have finally realized I have not even really properly mourned for those loved one that have moved on from this life.
I don’t like to show emotion, and I have always tried to be brave like my mom who in every situation was a rock. However, I think it has been to my detriment; I have stifled my emotions so much that I feel ½ the time I don’t have any and the other ½ I am falling apart.
My husband right now is having a hard time understanding things and isn’t always sure where the bathroom is from the kitchen. Half the time he doesn’t know this is his home, and doesn’t know who I really am. Yet he is functioning on a day to day basis. Getting up , getting dressed, fixing his own breakfast and exercising.
He is still trying to manage the finances, and I am having a very hard time getting in there and helping. He keeps telling me I am trying to take over – I reassure him; I am not I would rather not have to do this.
He has never been an easy-going person quite the contrary – now that he feels himself slipping away he is really difficult and demanding at times. It is a struggle to get him to take the medicine – and day to day l don’t know if I am going to be fighting with him over simple things or if he is going to be angry with me over something completely imagined.
When he thinks I am another woman he is nice, polite and caring – what is this? When this happens I am both relieved and hurt at the same time. I know it isn’t his fault. I had coffee with a friend the other day and expressed my emotions over this – he said “just realize it is not that he doesn’t love you don’t take it personally”. Just play the role and don’t get stressed out.
Easier said than done.