My Life – My Problem

My life has taken such a tumble that it is hard to make sense of everything.

It has now been 6 months since my husband’s passing and I do have some “good” days. Most of the time I still feel immense pain and heart break.

It is like I was a bit numb for a while but now the awakening is fully realized. I keep telling myself to just do building block to reconstruct my life. One block at a time

The other day my kids and I went to the grave. On the grave stone is a picture of my husband and myself. When I looked down on those smiling faces I realized that is not me Life - two hands entertwinedanymore – I am a ghost of myself. You could say at this point in my life I feel like I have died with him…

I have struggled because of that this week. A good thing did happen though a friend that had not been around reconnected, and it has been sincerely helpful to be able to talk and relate to someone that understands the pain. They to have a spouse that is terminal and there is the difference between someone who really know what I am going through and have gone through.

Everyone else has been great, but I understand that they really cannot understand fully unless they have been through it themselves. That is what makes this friendship so special, and I am hoping we can continue to support each other and bring a bit of levity in each other’s lives.

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Deep Lonely Feeling – Then a Sign

I often have a deep lonely feeling in the pit of my stomach. It happens the most at dusk, but  it can hit at any time.

The loss of my husband is such a painful road. I am trying to carve out a new life for myself, but I keep wanting to scream and dig my hills in NO. I just need him back.  At night I pray for peace and  a sign that all is OK.

Then most amazing thing happenedHindu-Temple

I was going to a new store on 90th south and did get off on that exit.  I couldn’t find the store, I didn’t us my GPS. As I then turned around and went down a little road standing in front of me was the Hindu temple what a surprise, especially since I live in Utah.

As I drove down the road to get a closer look at the beautiful structure right next to it was the India cultural center. My husband was from India and his ancestors were Hindu before they became Catholic. What are the chances?

I couldn’t believe it; I was on a completely different road and how I did get there I really don’t know.

I do know why – a sign from my husband. I ask for one the night before…

Thank you sweetheart…

PS I was on 104 west and should have been on 90th!

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Grief Does it Ever Get Better

Grief how do I deal with the pain…

It has been almost five months since my sweetheart transcended, and it seems that some days are harder than ever. The hollow feeling I have when I realize I am in this alone – and the sadness.

I recently bought new kitchen appliances. The others were over 18 years old and my dishwasher had hit the dust. The old appliances were originally bought for the house.

Unexpectedly emotional as I replaced the old appliances. Suddenly that night I felt that my husband was being stripped from me piece by piece. Instead of being excited to have them, I cried. What a strange reaction – but the pain I felt over that was overwhelming.

Little things like going to the grocery store have been really hard. I am starting to be OK Dealing with Griefwith it but seeing the items I bought for him just reminded me he was gone.

I have been angry, and I want to scream; I do not want to go through this. I think about our conversations before he was so sick. I wish I could just talk to him now to help with closure – is he OK – is he saving a place for me –does he come and visit me when I am unaware…

Some night I honestly feel he is in bed next to me. That small sliver in-between being awake and asleep I feel movement, and it is like my husband is by my side. I also thought he was in the bathroom and started talking to him while being in bed. Yesterday I was sitting on his lift chair and dosed off – I thought he came across the room via the front door.

Maybe he is there comforting me, and I am so thankful for that.

My daughter had a dream where my husband walked around the corner healthy and happy. She walked over to him and gave him a big hug. He embraced me whispering something in my ear. My crazy sister was there, and he started teasing her about her boyfriends. As my mom sat in the background (as you know, she has passed).

 Was this my mom ushering him, so he could pass on a message to me?

I am still unbalanced and spacey sometime sitting there on the couch or kitchen chair just staring into space and lost. This can last long periods of time – I keep telling myself to get up and do…, but I still sit there in silence.

I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.

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