A Stark Reality

Some days I am really tired of being the positive – happy person (on the outside) while inside I am literally dying.

Not to say I don’t have great days and exciting opportunities. Those times seem to be less and less – and the dark fear of reality is gripping my soul. I am not use to this – I have never felt this – now that my husband has Parkinson and is slipping away I feel true fear for the first time in life.

I am Really, Really Scared

what’s caused this? A life time of pain – seeing the people I love struggle to live and survive with all the skills available. It started with my Mom who became a paraplegic at the age of 19 because of an automobile accident. She then had her children that she was told she couldn’t have I was the oldest of 4 (later as an adult I found out I had an older brother that was put up for adoption).

Growing older and the reality of it.

My mom was the embodiment of hope, inspiration, positive energy, belief…

My mother’s mom died when she was just 8. My mom swore she would be around to raise her children. She survived until the age of 75 she had defied the odds and then some.

It shows how strong the will to live and survive is – as a little child and into adult hood I would pray to let my mom survive – one more day, one more week, until I am 18 Please God don’t take her from us…

God Listened

the peril she had to go through the pain she has endured is beyond belief – and yet she always smiled whenever someone came to visit her. She always worried about me and loved me and comforted me…

She was a true inspiration – She passed away 2 years ago – she told me she was ready. And the pain still runs deep.


My father died 4 months before my mom. He had come down with a rare type of tumor that wasn’t malignant but was incased with all his arteries so they couldn’t take it out. This tumor was in his intestine and it caused him to literally starve to death we were able to give him nutrition for a while. He had always been active and didn’t ever have to take any medication until the age of 75 – he died at 79. So so hard to watch as it was happening


When I was 24 my sister committed suicide – the last time I saw her she was cutting my mom’s hair and asked me to stop and visit – I didn’t have time…

I learned that lesson the hard way – I was to never see her alive again she died on Christmas eve- she was only 20.

My mom being who she is stayed strong for all of us but at night I would hear her howling with pain – rocking in her bed, trying to get through life without one of her children.

The devastation that rocked my family – has a legacy of its own – one that would take volumes to write about…

I thought the legacy of pain would end with my Mom – my Sister… I got through the pain by focusing on my small children they made my life worth living.

My daughter who has grown to be such a wonderful woman fought to have a child for 6 yrs. She and her husband finally conceived. It was a glorious time. I went to the ultra sounds with her – we planned and plotted and would dream of the life we would have with this little tike!

She took excellent care of herself and our future look so bright…

My grandson was born April 14, with semi-lobar holoprosencephaly (H.P.E.), a rare condition.

His life span was unknown – most babies don’t make it and are stillborn.

He lived for 9 month and spent a good part of his life in ICU. My daughter and son-in-law being the amazing parent they are had single handedly keep their little one alive that long though care and inspiration.

My daughter was so in love with her little guy… I have always been able to fix things for my children – I cannot fix this – I cannot take away the pain – I am helpless and all the “everything is going to be ok” are fake.

How can I utter those words to my daughter? Everything is not going to be alright – she lost her baby…

Her pain is devastating to me I want to take it away…

I cannot – I sit in agony… 

And now I am taking this journey with my husband… I need to keep a positive attitude but how??

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About Sarah Maude

My life has been full of twists and turns. I have been wanting to do a personal blog for a long time and so here it goes. To know who I am and what I am about - subscribe! Looking forward to your comments.
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