Living In Truth

Understanding the Pain

Posted on July 22, 2018 by Sarah Maude

It is hard to understand the pain if you have not been through it – my house is beautiful but so empty. It was built for us – and now there is no we just me…

I have been staying up at my daughter’s house quite a bit and really love being with my Alone Symbolism grand-kids. But I always feel I have to rush back home but for what?

I realize that I have no one that is waiting for me, I know intellectually but still feel that tug of my husband waiting at home for me.

He loved me that much.

He wanted nothing more than to have me buy his side. It made him happy and how can I ever replace that type of love. From a man who didn’t show his emotions on his sleeve. From a man who had a hard time trusting or giving up control of his own emotions.

His eyes would light up when I came into the room and a big smile came across his beautiful face.

We obviously had our problem and some that were really difficult but we weathered them all because our love was just that strong.

Posted in My Life, Relationships | Tagged being alone, getting through life hardest battles, losing a spouse, pain, understanding yourself | Leave a comment

Life Moves On

Posted on June 29, 2018 by Sarah Maude

Life moves on …

I would think the pain would dissipate, and at this point I could go on with my life with the understanding that there is no other way but to move on. I was wrong it feels like I am going backwards after eight months I miss him more than ever.

Sunday morning I woke up to the memories of how we use to spend our weekend and on Life Moves On Sunday, we would watch all the show about politics IE: Meet the Press, Fox News Sunday, etc.

We have a huge TV that my husband put on our bedroom wall, and so we would just cuddle and lay in bed.

When I got up, I would make coffee and breakfast and once in a while my husband would talk me into going to church with him…

I was looking through some old journals and found a couple of poems he wrote for me I am going to share one with you today. Now keep in mind English was his third language, it is so beautiful…

1995

You have always been very warm and caring
You have always been very sweet and giving

That is why you are always so very beautiful whenever I see you.

You look like a dream of a poet.
Like a blossoming rose
Like the talk (sparkle) of a diamond
Like the candle light in the church

Whenever I see you.

You look like the morning light
Like the sunshine of winter
Like a red delicious apple
Like a cold breeze bringing Tricia cologne

I love you!

Twenty-three years ago, he wrote this to me; I am so glad I found it. It makes me happy and sad all at the same time…

Posted in My Life, Poetry, Reflections of the Past, Relationships, Things I Love | Tagged Life moves on, living after the death of a spouse, losing a loved one, miss my spouse more than ever, Poetry, surviving | Leave a comment

My Life – My Problem

Posted on May 26, 2018 by Sarah Maude

My life has taken such a tumble that it is hard to make sense of everything.

It has now been 6 months since my husband’s passing and I do have some “good” days. Most of the time I still feel immense pain and heart break.

It is like I was a bit numb for a while but now the awakening is fully realized. I keep telling myself to just do building block to reconstruct my life. One block at a time

The other day my kids and I went to the grave. On the grave stone is a picture of my husband and myself. When I looked down on those smiling faces I realized that is not me Life - two hands entertwined anymore – I am a ghost of myself. You could say at this point in my life I feel like I have died with him…

I have struggled because of that this week. A good thing did happen though a friend that had not been around reconnected, and it has been sincerely helpful to be able to talk and relate to someone that understands the pain. They to have a spouse that is terminal and there is the difference between someone who really know what I am going through and have gone through.

Everyone else has been great, but I understand that they really cannot understand fully unless they have been through it themselves. That is what makes this friendship so special, and I am hoping we can continue to support each other and bring a bit of levity in each other’s lives.

Posted in Challenges, My Life | Tagged building a new life after death, death of a spouse, Learning to move on | Leave a comment