Fear of Losing My Mom

I was too lazy to make coffee the other day, so I ran by Starbucks. As I watch the young people working there and joking around it made me think about how they have their whole lives ahead of them. They are at the age where the future is exciting, they can be frivolous and have fun.

Child in thoughtWhen I was young, I didn’t ever have that free spirit – I did go out and do things with friends but there was always a sadness, worry, and strife. I wish I could have been one of those girls who had superficial worries about hair, makeup, what the latest trends were, and  nothing more – just innocent and oblivious to any pain or worry that comes with adulthood.

My nightly prayers always started like this – Dear Lord, Please make sure my mom lives until I am at least 18. Then when I was 12 – Dear Lord, Please make sure my mom lives until I am 21…

Because my mom was paralyzed at 19, she ended up have all four of us kids while she was in a wheelchair. I am the oldest and when mom would go into the hospital or get sick – all I could do is pray. My dad was around when I was young but he, and my mom were so different like oil and water.

When he would go out for a drink, my mom would sit in the window waiting for him until late in the night. When my dad got home, he would have been drinking, and my mom would be yelling about his irresponsibility.

I would blame my mom because I saw dad less and less “if only she didn’t yell at him.”  Later in life I understood – why she was so upset. Dad started drinking more and more. His dad was an Alcoholic and my dad was soon to follow him…

We had no money, so I never asked for anything – as a little girl, I remembered going to ballet lessons with my friend and sitting on the steps. I really wished I could take the class – but I wouldn’t ask my mom because I knew she didn’t even have enough money to pay all the bills. Later as an adult, I told my mom how much I wanted to take dance – she said she would have found a way if I had only told her.

The ironic thing is my mom lived to be 76. For many years my grandparents would tell us kids you guys need to realize your mom may not be around much longer. Needlessly worrying all of us kids; I believe they thought they were preparing us, but it devastated us, especially when she would go into the hospital.

Mom lost her mother when she was 8 and vowed she would never leave us without a mom. Mom would try and reassure us that she would be OK.

My prayers were answered and so were moms…

The lesson to this story is simple, don’t let worries weigh you down when you may die a thousands deaths – before the final curtain.


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About Sarah Maude

My life has been full of twists and turns. I have been wanting to do a personal blog for a long time and so here it goes. To know who I am and what I am about - subscribe! Looking forward to your comments.
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