What a tough day – it started with my husband sleeping in until 1:30 when I tried to wake him up no response. We took his vitals, which were OK I finally woke him up so the CNA Cynthia could give him a shower he lashed out. Grabbed my arms – wouldn’t let go, when I got away from him, he grabbed at the Cynthia’s face! He has never done that before, he was upset because he thought I had not been at the house taking care of him.
Then when we brushed his teeth and had him rinse he wouldn’t spit out the mouth full of water he was being stubborn; we were worried he may choke on it. I had Cynthia go home and worked for three hours trying to get him to spit it out. Finally when I stuck my fingers in his mouth he spit it . Just the worry and stress of that simple thing wore me out.
We left him in bed today because I didn’t know how he was going to react while he was up. I hate keeping him in bed, now he is fine and I am feeding him grapes.
I have seen some really aggressive behavior I just hope it isn’t something that will continue. I know with Alzheimer’s people do get aggressive and mean. In fact, my grandfather was so mean that my grandma had to put him in a rest home. It was a good one, and she was there every day until he died feeding him lunch and dinner. She loved him and was so dedicated to being there – she was a great role mode. I just wish I understood what she was going through I would have been a much better granddaughter.
He is down to 125 lbs and at his healthy weight, he was 182 – the last time we weight him; he was 140 now 124 so skinny.
He is not making any sense at all – he jabbers in his language and when I can understand him, he worries about his grown kids being OK. His kids never come and see him – his sons are too busy it breaks my heart. His daughter does and he is so happy when she, and his granddaughters come over.
It a misnomer to think he doesn’t know when people come to visit him. They are thinking that he doesn’t know who they are anyway – but he does feel their love and energy. He needs his children to come and just love him.
They are in their 40’s for god sake, it’s not like they are children.
I have always put off making funeral arrangements of any kind I thought when the time comes we will deal with it. Now that I really think the time is near, I am compelled to start getting things together. I don’t want all of his many brothers, sisters and children to come in and just take over.
It’s funny how as time goes on I am changing and rapidly. For the first time in my life I feel like an adult like I am stronger I didn’t realize the strength I had. Having to take charge and figure everything out myself this last few year makes me realize how strong I really am.
Going through it I felt like I was going to fall to pieces I didn’t.
My dad was an alcoholic for many years, the last 25 – 30 years of his life he was able to turn his life around by facing truths and moving through them.
Something I have yet to master.
I have discovered I have a way of looking through life and coping by not facing the truth. I have been told before “don’t be an Ostrich”. I know I can be that way when having to deal with things I don’t want to. I pretend that they will fix themselves (they never do). I go kicking and screaming (in my head) to get them done, things like taking over the rental properties we have.
But this is somehow different; I feel like if my husband is acting semi normal he is going to stay that way. Yesterday he was really off – when he got up in the morning, he was ready to go to the airport. I had to call his sister to come and stay with him for the day.
I suddenly had this overwhelming panic, a realization my life will never be the same. Not just intellectually knowing the truth and dealing with it, but a devastating feeling in my gut almost unbearable.
I have been walking around in a numb state – in disarray not planning for what may come in the future but doing what I can barely hanging on and knowing I have to face the raw truth.
I don’t think I have totally coped with anything in my life – that is how I am feeling. I just want to fall in a heap and disappear… Crumble to the ground.