Hugs & Kisses

My niece and her family came, but my husband was sleeping the whole time. When he heard Brandy’s voice, he lifted his hand but still slept. Around 10 minutes before they went home, he woke up and smiled  a big smile. I was so happy he could  get hugs and kisses, especially from the little ones.

Yesterday Jaynie said he was doing really well she came over to take care of my husband


Millcreek Canyon

like every Monday to give me time to get things done and just get away. I pay her for five hours,  she is now like a family member to us. She is the best care taker, and we love her.

I was able to go up to the canyon and (finally) see the fall leaves. It is a bit late in the season some trees didn’t have leaves anymore, but it was still beautiful. And I love the streams cutting through the mountains.

I am trying to come to grips with everything, finding my way to cope. I am strong I know it, but sometimes it doesn’t feel like that – especially when I think I am doing OK and then some said something simple, and the tears want to flow…

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Beautiful Day

So many things are going through my mind even when I take a sleeping pill, I am restless. My niece and her family are coming over from Idaho Falls, a 3-hour  drive. She has six kids from 15 – 2; the last four are really little. She has so much love for us. She insisted on coming down because my husband is not doing very well. We love her…

The saddest part now is even when he gets up. I can feel his life force leaving. No sparkle Beautifulto his eye, in fact, his eyes have been really hurting him and this morning, he didn’t want to take a shower – or he couldn’t because he was sleeping. When we turned him, he was in pain no matter what we did that is a sign of further deterioration.

His eye looks so sick and dull like I cannot see his spirit.

Ashley came over while I went to the store yesterday, and it was a beautiful day. As I was driving I couldn’t help but remember my sweet husband’s words.

I would say  “It’s a beautiful day isn’t it”.  He would answer “yes but not as beautiful as you”.

That will be seared in my mind and heart forever – and it makes me want to cry knowing that I will never hear that again…


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Panic Attacks

Now that I know how panic attacks feel I will not longer trivialize it…

My husband has been sleeping more, eating less and can barely speak. All the signs told to me about how he would decline. Last night, I noticed when he slept his hands were not sitting normally they were balled up (hard to explain).Panic Attacks

When I see this slow painful down-slide, it is beyond upsetting. The one thing that I am having now is panic attacks. I probably talked about my first one month’s ago but last night it started again if you have never had a panic attack you could not understand the sheer horror one feels.

I decided to take ½ of a sleeping pill and go to bed. My brother usually calls later in the evening, so I called him first. The thing that astonished me was in the middle of our conversations, I just started losing my breath and crying.

It was a type of crying I have never experienced before, not loud not sobbing just an out pour of emotions. It wasn’t a long cry but just enough to show my sorrow, and I had no control. My poor brother was saying oh, oh, oh, what can I do (in a soft tone)?

There is nothing he or anyone else can do.

Dear God I pray help me through this time of pain…

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