Respite Facility?

Monday I was feeling so sad and overwhelmed I was on the verge of tears over everything.

When Jaynie came in to help with my husband, she said you really should look at the respite program that Creek Side has (our hospice provider). I have been hearing about this for the last 10 months that they have a program that will put him in a hospice facility for up to five days a year. About everyone who I connect with in hospice has one time or another said I should take advantage of this, so I can just regroup and get myself together.Facility no way

I never really considered it until Monday – it would be so nice to be able to leave for a few day by myself and just do nothing.

The problem is I don’t want my husband to wake up in a facility and think I have abandoned him. I don’t want him to go through anymore sadness than he has.

Since he has been getting worse there are days where he sleeps and make no sense at all (so maybe?).

I asked some people what they thought whose opinion I value. Then yesterday morning when I walked into the bedroom my husband looked at me and said where have you been??

That settles it – he is not going to go into any respite facility – even for five days.

I don’t know how I would ever leave him and walk out the door. He still has days where he is smiling and joyful – that make it all worth while.

I Love Him So…

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Connecting is Invaluable

Connecting with people who can support you through hard times is invaluable.

In life, there are little gifts that appear and make a big difference.  It happened to me when I met a person whose spouse is also terminal. There is nothing like being able to relate to the feelings and emotions with somebody that truly is going through the same thing.

Sadly, it only lasted about a month but during that time I was able to really start to feel  Connectinglike what I was going through was normal, and I really appreciated the deep emotions that we shared, the encouragement, support and cheering on that made my days a bit brighter.

My emotions are so close to the surface, and the last correspondence made me really tearful and sad. That is silly, to put so much into someone when I knew them such a short time. But that is what happens when you go through this kind of thing. Any sliver of hope or ray of sunshine that comes your way you cling onto for dear life because you don’t know if the sun will come out again…

I thank god for putting people in my life that made a difference in this difficult time. And I especially am thankful for giving me a friend who provided me a lifeline no matter how short the time was…

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The Road Ahead

I did get a glimpse of the road ahead and it is pretty scary…

My husband has been sleeping more and when he is awake doesn’t make sense at all. Often he thinks he is somewhere else. He said to me the other night as clear as day “all that matters is hugs and kisses” well, that is and has always been my priority hugging and kissing him throughout the day.

It was my granddaughters 6th birthday, and she was having a surprise party but she lives out of state. Luckily, I was able to get a team of caregivers to take care of my husband.  I headed out to my daughter’s house, so we could drive together. It was so nice to be with all my grand-kids and family members that day but I couldn’t help but feel melancholy.  When I mentioned it on the ride home my daughter wisely said “of course mom you are in the mourning process”.

Wise daughter that is exactly true as my husband gets worse I enter another phase, and it does cause me to be on a roller-coaster ride of emotions.

I was caught off guard. However, when we pulled up to my daughter’s house and proceeded to take the kids in with all their toys. Because it was late and there was quite a bit of stuff she said to just put it in the van, we will take it in tomorrow. When I opened the van door, my eyes filled with tears – all the memories of the van flooded through my mind.  I could just see my husband sitting in the driver’s seat, he loved that van. We even slept in the back on an air mattress when camping or glamping (meaning camping with flair).

I gave the van to my daughter, they needed a second vehicle; I had bought a new car and we didn’t need two vehicles.

If a simple van causes me so much pain what’s going to happen when he is finally gone?

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