I don’t know why I am avoiding writing in my blog.
Everyday there is something to say – but I don’t. Then I forget the moments. Am I trying to avoid the pain , something to think about?
Lately I have been really feeling lost like I am in the middle of the ocean my raft sinking and there is no shore in sight.
I am going to a caregivers group today I am not sure if it is a good fit, but I am hoping it is.
My husband is having problems moving his legs even with two of us helping (one in front and one in back) it is becoming impossible so we are using the wheelchair more.
The nurse came yesterday and said he is wasting – he is so skinny he may not have the muscles to walk, just one more sign my life will be changing forever.
The other day I had my husband in the recliner, and it looked like he had a bump on his cheek – when I went to take a look it was his cheek bone. That is what they call wasting when someone is losing weight and muscle…
When I get up in the morning if he is awake I say “good morning” in a sing-song voice. He used to smile not so much anymore. When I go over to kiss him, he looks me in the face and talks to me about a serious subject – I don’t know what it is but the look on his face show intensity.
I have been with this man long enough that even his facial expressions tell me a story.
Connecting with people who can support you through hard times is invaluable.
In life, there are little gifts that appear and make a big difference. It happened to me when I met a person whose spouse is also terminal. There is nothing like being able to relate to the feelings and emotions with somebody that truly is going through the same thing.
Sadly, it only lasted about a month but during that time I was able to really start to feel like what I was going through was normal, and I really appreciated the deep emotions that we shared, the encouragement, support and cheering on that made my days a bit brighter.
My emotions are so close to the surface, and the last correspondence made me really tearful and sad. That is silly, to put so much into someone when I knew them such a short time. But that is what happens when you go through this kind of thing. Any sliver of hope or ray of sunshine that comes your way you cling onto for dear life because you don’t know if the sun will come out again…
I thank god for putting people in my life that made a difference in this difficult time. And I especially am thankful for giving me a friend who provided me a lifeline no matter how short the time was…