Word for the Year 2017 “Discover”

Discover synonyms: Finding, Uncovering, Unearthing, Realization

Thanks to Laurel Regan (Alphabet Salad), blog post about using a word instead of setting goals I have now adapted it  in my lexicon.

She used this method for the year 2014, and it worked for her. The idea is, instead of making New Year’s resolutions set your intention for the year with a word, something that will set the tone for what you want to accomplish.

Well in 2015 I used the word Empowerment and even though I didn’t pick a word for 2016 that word carried me through the last two years. Without me realizing it, as I look back I have empowered myself and done things to secure my future, things that are uncomfortable but necessary.

I have been mulling over words this morning, and nothing seemed to fit until I thought about the word discover.

“So in 2017 I am going to use the word DISCOVER”

The reason this was so poignant to me is that I have yet to discover who I really am.  That may seem like a cliché but it really isn’t for me. I have always been a wife, mother, daughter and sister. But I never really put my needs or what I wanted on the front burner ever!

Now I am going through the crisis of losing my husband and my identity, I need to find out simple fundamentals about what I want to do with my life, what is important to me and even. What do I enjoy beyond the obvious?

It is almost painful to think this way because I am admitting to myself the obvious my husband will not be with me on the rest of my journey.

It makes me so sad…

Discovery - My Life

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Professional Help

I needed professional help. I felt I couldn’t deal with all these things swirling through my head; I felt like I was going to have a
nervous breakdown.

I have a habit that as soon as I wake up. I turn on the TV usually to news to find out the latest, or so I thought. I subsequently found out it helped me tune out of reality – that and Cheetos.

The other morning I walked out from my room and sat upon the couch – pure silence, and suddenly I was pushed into the reality of what was happening in my life. I pondered the fact that I had no control over my destiny, and the truth that I would soon lose my husband. I felt I couldn’t deal with all these things swirling through my head; I felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I needed professional help.Professional help

It was almost a panic attack. When I went to work it was not much better – I told my friend, I could not do this, I just can’t. She said what work? No life – I cannot handle this… she quietly said, “why don’t you get some professional help”? I had already been thinking about it, so I made an appointment.

I couldn’t get in for two weeks – my therapist’s name is Paul. When I had my first appointment – I walked in and just unloaded on him. I told him about my sorrows, about my life, about my situation, about my childhood, first marriage you name it. It isn’t like me at all, and I surprised myself. I obviously needed someone I could just confide in, talk to.

It felt good to get it all off my chest – just to have someone listen. Toward the end of the session, he did teach me a tool to use that if I do it will help a great deal.

It is five steps and goes like this:

  1. Situation: (what is the situation that is causing you the most discomfort, stress)
  2. Emotions: (how do you feel when it is happening)
  3. Scale from: 1 – 10
  4. Thinking errors: (cognitive distortions)
    He gave me a two-page list of cognitive distortions to go through and check against my emotions.
  5. Re-write (What can logically be done when in that situation again.)

I found that after going through this exercise my anxiety level was down quite a bit, and I had really overblown
the outcome of that situations…

We will resume our sessions after the holidays – when he told me he wouldn’t be in until after the holiday season I thought: No wonder there are so many suicides during the holidays! Then it’s a good thing I am not thinking about suicide.

I would never joke with him on this – he would have to report it, and then think of the mess I would be in LOL.

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Being a Caretaker is Not an Option…

I just don’t understand how anybody could think any differently.

People are constantly telling me what a good person I am for taking care of my husband. Our marriage vows say, “Until Death do us Part” right?

When you love someone so much that you marry them how could you conceive of anything else. To me, it isn’t an option – if I love you, I love you forever. It doesn’t matter who you are: a spouse, parent, child. You care of them as long as humanly possible

Being a caretaker isn’t easy, and it is one of the hardest things in life: It is hard; emotionally, spiritually, physically.

Being a caretaker is a challenge and it takes its toll, but it is life. Caretaker My husband didn’t ask for this condition, he should be able to live at home as long as physically possible. This gives him comfort the only stability he has left.

I lay by him at night and just kiss his face, hold his hands, feel his skin. This is so important to me; I know our time is limited, and I want to touch him, kiss him, hug him and help him as long as possible.

I know my life is about to change drastically,  I don’t know how I will get through it in one piece. The one comfort I have is I do believe in life after death – and I will see him again.

That still doesn’t blunt the pain of losing him, having a totally different life what a void, there will be.

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