Courage – My 2017 Word of The Year

It took me a while to come up with a word for 2017 – Initially I was going to use discover – I even made a graphic for it. But then I realized through my sadness and pain – I am just not there yet.

My life’s circumstances are devastating to say the least so no, not discover – then it came to me “strength”. Yes, I need strength to make it through this year. However, when I decided to look up, the exact meaning of the word it really didn’t fit – I need not only physical strength but also spiritual and mental strength.

I have finally found the word I need for 2017 and it is “COURAGE”

Yes I am going to have to really come to grips with my life and the total devastation that I will feel when I finally lose my husband. I touch his face and hold his hand at night when we sleep – with a deep sense of love and sadness.

I feel that the next holiday season will be spent alone… nothing anyone can really ever prepare for, the loss of a spouse – a hole through my heart – devastation in my soul…

Yes the perfect word for 2017 is Courage…

Courage to live life.

 

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A Very Sad Christmas 2016

It is Christmas day, and I must say a really sad one.

I kissed my husband on the cheek and said Merry Christmas – knowing he probably doesn’t even know it is Christmas.

We had a family party at my daughters, and I loved seeing all my grand-kids but as Aziz sat on the recliner with a blank look in his face, it was heart Sad, God, Christmasbreaking; I just couldn’t feel joy.

I am so thankful for my family for being there for me. My brother came over and drove the van to the family party that was 1 ½ away and drove home. It was very emotionally exhausting, and yesterday I didn’t even want any company at all. I slept until I had to get up and get my husband dressed – around 11.

Usually, I get up several hours earlier so I can clean up, get dressed and ready for the day before I get him up. Getting him up has gotten harder and harder because he doesn’t know how to stand up – he pulls back instead of going forward. Usually, I get him up and put him on the seat of the walker, take him to the bathroom, so he can swish, and brush his teeth but sadly. Sometimes he forgets how to swish or brush his teeth.

I feel this is the last Christmas I will have my husband and I cannot help but feel like crying. I think the fact that my sister committed suicide on Christmas Eve doesn’t help even if it was 35 years ago. It never goes away.

I just have to believe there is a reason and leave it in God’s hands – but boy is it hard.

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Word for the Year 2017 “Discover”

Discover synonyms: Finding, Uncovering, Unearthing, Realization

Thanks to Laurel Regan (Alphabet Salad), blog post about using a word instead of setting goals I have now adapted it  in my lexicon.

She used this method for the year 2014, and it worked for her. The idea is, instead of making New Year’s resolutions set your intention for the year with a word, something that will set the tone for what you want to accomplish.

Well in 2015 I used the word Empowerment and even though I didn’t pick a word for 2016 that word carried me through the last two years. Without me realizing it, as I look back I have empowered myself and done things to secure my future, things that are uncomfortable but necessary.

I have been mulling over words this morning, and nothing seemed to fit until I thought about the word discover.

“So in 2017 I am going to use the word DISCOVER”

The reason this was so poignant to me is that I have yet to discover who I really am.  That may seem like a cliché but it really isn’t for me. I have always been a wife, mother, daughter and sister. But I never really put my needs or what I wanted on the front burner ever!

Now I am going through the crisis of losing my husband and my identity, I need to find out simple fundamentals about what I want to do with my life, what is important to me and even. What do I enjoy beyond the obvious?

It is almost painful to think this way because I am admitting to myself the obvious my husband will not be with me on the rest of my journey.

It makes me so sad…

Discovery - My Life

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