It is Christmas day, and I must say a really sad one.
I kissed my husband on the cheek and said Merry Christmas – knowing he probably doesn’t even know it is Christmas.
We had a family party at my daughters, and I loved seeing all my grand-kids but as Aziz sat on the recliner with a blank look in his face, it was heart breaking; I just couldn’t feel joy.
I am so thankful for my family for being there for me. My brother came over and drove the van to the family party that was 1 ½ away and drove home. It was very emotionally exhausting, and yesterday I didn’t even want any company at all. I slept until I had to get up and get my husband dressed – around 11.
Usually, I get up several hours earlier so I can clean up, get dressed and ready for the day before I get him up. Getting him up has gotten harder and harder because he doesn’t know how to stand up – he pulls back instead of going forward. Usually, I get him up and put him on the seat of the walker, take him to the bathroom, so he can swish, and brush his teeth but sadly. Sometimes he forgets how to swish or brush his teeth.
I feel this is the last Christmas I will have my husband and I cannot help but feel like crying. I think the fact that my sister committed suicide on Christmas Eve doesn’t help even if it was 35 years ago. It never goes away.
I just have to believe there is a reason and leave it in God’s hands – but boy is it hard.
Discover synonyms: Finding, Uncovering, Unearthing, Realization
Thanks to Laurel Regan (Alphabet Salad), blog post about using a word instead of setting goals I have now adapted it in my lexicon.
She used this method for the year 2014, and it worked for her. The idea is, instead of making New Year’s resolutions set your intention for the year with a word, something that will set the tone for what you want to accomplish.
Well in 2015 I used the word Empowerment and even though I didn’t pick a word for 2016 that word carried me through the last two years. Without me realizing it, as I look back I have empowered myself and done things to secure my future, things that are uncomfortable but necessary.
I have been mulling over words this morning, and nothing seemed to fit until I thought about the word discover.
“So in 2017 I am going to use the word DISCOVER”
The reason this was so poignant to me is that I have yet to discover who I really am. That may seem like a cliché but it really isn’t for me. I have always been a wife, mother, daughter and sister. But I never really put my needs or what I wanted on the front burner ever!
Now I am going through the crisis of losing my husband and my identity, I need to find out simple fundamentals about what I want to do with my life, what is important to me and even. What do I enjoy beyond the obvious?
It is almost painful to think this way because I am admitting to myself the obvious my husband will not be with me on the rest of my journey.
It makes me so sad…