The Road Ahead

I did get a glimpse of the road ahead and it is pretty scary…

My husband has been sleeping more and when he is awake doesn’t make sense at all. Often he thinks he is somewhere else. He said to me the other night as clear as day “all that matters is hugs and kisses” well, that is and has always been my priority hugging and kissing him throughout the day.

It was my granddaughters 6th birthday, and she was having a surprise party but she lives out of state. Luckily, I was able to get a team of caregivers to take care of my husband.  I headed out to my daughter’s house, so we could drive together. It was so nice to be with all my grand-kids and family members that day but I couldn’t help but feel melancholy.  When I mentioned it on the ride home my daughter wisely said “of course mom you are in the mourning process”.

Wise daughter that is exactly true as my husband gets worse I enter another phase, and it does cause me to be on a roller-coaster ride of emotions.

I was caught off guard. However, when we pulled up to my daughter’s house and proceeded to take the kids in with all their toys. Because it was late and there was quite a bit of stuff she said to just put it in the van, we will take it in tomorrow. When I opened the van door, my eyes filled with tears – all the memories of the van flooded through my mind.  I could just see my husband sitting in the driver’s seat, he loved that van. We even slept in the back on an air mattress when camping or glamping (meaning camping with flair).

I gave the van to my daughter, they needed a second vehicle; I had bought a new car and we didn’t need two vehicles.

If a simple van causes me so much pain what’s going to happen when he is finally gone?

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It is funny how people that really care are sometimes thought of as weak, especially in the business world…

That is a total misconception – but I have run into a lot of jerks in my time who believe being tough and heartless means strength.


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Sometime I feel so Mundane

Sometime I feel so mundane – like going through life and trying not to feel the pain. Never who I use to be, and I don’t know if she will come back again.

No more innocent belief or joyous laughter – I look at my husband and think about how his life was so full and rich now he is towards the end, and it is devastating…

But there are little things that make me smile like when he is happy and just chattering Mundane and sadaway in his own language but still happy…

Unless you have been through this, you really don’t understand how days are like roller coaster, and your emotions change from hour to hour. Thinking about the past and being afraid to think about the future you cannot imagine life without him, and you feel guilty even thinking about it.  I know my husband doesn’t want to live this way that is the reality, but I am selfish because I just want to kiss his face and have him smile at me forever –

And I do have a lot of blessings the people that help me care for him are like family now and the help they give us is priceless.

I was at the point where I was trying to find a support group, so I knew I wasn’t  crazy – then my sister brought over a kindred spirit who was losing their spouse to a terminal illness and just talking and communicating has been such a blessing.

So instead of crying I should be rejoicing in the wonderful friendships I am building and the amazing life my husband has lived…



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