I Feel Like I am Bi-Polar

I should have been posting articles; it has been a long time since I have. It almost seems that even though I quit my job, I am busier than ever and to walk upstairs to my office is too much. Ridiculous I know. My emotions are like a roller coaster, and sometime I feel like I am bi-polar.

As my husband slips deeper into his illness there are limited things he can do. He is having a very hard time walking so he is immobile. We have a routine; he usually sleeps late and when the CNA comes we wake him up, and I help her take him to the shower. With the help of both of us, we can get him into the shower; I have bought handles, so he can grab on and feel safe when he is stepping in but he is still full of fear that he is going  to fall. It is quite an ordeal to get him to sit in the shower chair – once in a while he will refuse but most of the times we get him to sit.

Once he is showered shaved and cleaned up, he is helped into the front room/ kitchen area eats takes his medicine, and if I am lucky, he will take Bi-polarit without incidence sometimes he starts chewing getting confused about the difference between swallowing and chewing.  I feed him if he just doesn’t seem to want to eat himself. I put on the TV even though I don’t think he can really understand it – sometimes he will talk back to the people on the TV. I also have cards I will give him, and if he is in the mood, he will play with them. When he is not in the mood for that he will want to finish his paperwork for his business, so I give him a red bag, and he will pull out papers and write on them gibberish. But to him – he is being productive.

He stays up around five hours, and then he is tired and wants to lie down. He wants me beside him and many times when I am not in the bedroom with him; he calls for me. He is in his hospital bed, and I will sit by him and hold hands, climb into bed with him or just lay on my bed beside him. We have a enormous TV on our wall that we watch. He will talk and chatter telling me things I cannot make out but I pretend to understand.

He is getting so skinny that it worries me. He is 5’10 when he was healthy he weighed 180 lbs. Now he is down to 140 as skinny as he is you would think that lifting his legs and helping him would be easier, but it isn’t his legs are like dead weight; I have hurt myself numerous times trying to help him. He just cannot move himself even when I help him into bed; I have to situate his body so that he isn’t crooked.

I have knots in my stomach – and I feel lost.  I have never had to be alone like this before.

I want my husband back…

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Beautiful Moments

Today I hired the perfect care giver – she is spunky, loving and goes out of her way to give. I was a little concerned that I couldn’t afford her services Beautiful Momentsbut she is worth that and more.

Yesterday was Jayne’s first visit; she came for a 5 hours stint.  I went out to help my sister find an apartment and had an appointment to get some acupuncture therapy.

When I got home and opened the door I hear the sound of music – my husband laughing!

Jayne was sitting next to him and he was having a belly laugh, on top of that my house was clean.  My heart filled with true gratitude and joy.

To see my husband smiling and laughing is an amazing gift – So many beautiful moments with my husband so glad I quit.

Thank You God

 

 

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The Path in Front of Me

“I know this path is one I need to take I have no choice…”

My emotions are so volatile. One minute I am seeing improvement in my husband the next I am worried I won’t have him for much longer.  I know Parkinson’s with Lewy Body does have this characteristic. Your body cannot regulate itself so one day your blood pressure may be high, and then it drops. One day it seems things are going well – the next not so much.

I quit my job at the state I had worked there for close to 16 yrs. Part time but it gave me full benefits so our insurance was great and paid for. I thenGiven Path also have my own business, when my husband became ill I could no longer run my business and just took on old clients no new ones.

I quit my job for many reasons, but in the end I know I needed to stay home with my husband. He will see my face when he wakes up and when he goes to bed. I can make sure that he gets what he needs, and I can take the precious time I have with him and soak it in.

He will be able to be fully covered on Medicare part A, so he doesn’t need any more insurance, and I have found affordable insurance for myself.

I am on the path I need to be and was guided to.  A year ago, I would not have known how I would be able to afford to live let alone quit my job.  Now through investments, I could  pay off my house, get a new car with cash and put money in the bank for my husband’s care. All because my husband was a very smart business man and left me the tools. It took lots of prayer and guidance, but you know when you are on the right track things fall into place.

And when you are following a voice that seems to guide you – things go the way they should. This is the second time during my life it is as if God just picked me up and showed me the way. I didn’t have a choice – the path was in front of me…

Thank You God…

 

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Posted in My Life, Parkinson's Disease, What I know for Sure | Leave a comment